How to,, The Gintama Guide
by LittleLunaChan
Summary: Gintoki & Hijikata like each other but is a relationship possible?... Painful memories, rivals, secrets, jealousy and more awaits the fragile new couple. Will their strong bond last through the hardships? Will their feelings be enough in the end? While being in love, how far are they willing to go to find happiness, even if fate seems to be against them?
1. How to tease a Mayora

**A/N: **_I love Gintama and I like the pairing Gintoki x Hijikata a lot._

**Rating: **T (for now)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Gintama nor it's characters.

* * *

><p><em>What a pain<em> Gintoki thought while walking to the bath house. It was still early in the morning, the sun was slowly rising but it already felt nice outside. The streets are empty, a rare sight for the usually busy and lively center of Edo. _I guess it can't be helped, it's awfully early in the morning_. _It's not like poor Gin-san _wants _to wake up at this time but I don't have a choice, do I? _I'm getting irritated and kick some pebbles away, trying to get rid of my anger by bullying the innocent rocks.

Thanks to Kagura our bathroom was completely destroyed yesterday, we were lucky the rest of the rooms weren't destroyed too, but still. Why the bathroom of all rooms?

"Damn that brat, why did she had to play a game of tag in my home? And with Sadaharu on top of that! What does she think Gin-san's place is? A spa where she can hang out and do whatever she wants? Tch, my place is not a damn hotel!"

While talking to myself I feel the need to take a relaxing bath _alone _growing every second. Thanks to said china brat I'm even unable to bath anymore, thus I have to go to the public bath house.

_Damn, all good and well but poor Gin-san needs rest from time to time._ Cut me some slack already. I don't dislike those brats, it's just that they suck up most of my energy every single day. Especially the china brat, she's way too energetic for her and _my_ own good. Luckily Shinpachi is a lot calmer but then again, he keeps nagging about everything.

Lost in thoughts I suddenly notice I'm standing before my favorite restaurant. Tired from all the thinking and the early walk I feel like having a parfait. _Something sweet will surely help to lighten my mood._ I enter the little restaurant and order a nice and sweet strawberry parfait. Taking my time to pick out a seat I choose a place near the window and I let out a exhausted sigh.

_This sure is a nice place._ I've been coming here for a few years now but I can't help thinking it every time. The boss is a good guy who seems to like me, so sometimes he asks me to take care of the place when he has an errand. He's a good guy. He also knows he shouldn't bother me with small talk if I don't start a conversation on my own, which I'm very grateful for right now. This place always manages to relax me and that's exactly what I'm looking for, a calm place without a giant dog or brats.

Deciding not to think about stressful things anymore I start eating my arrived parfait. It's like the sugar flows through me as soon as I take the first bite, lightening my mood instantly. Licking off the leftovers from my spoon I sigh out contently, I always feel so much better after eating something sweet. Just when I start looking out the window again I hear a familiar voice behind me.

"Well, isn't that the Yorozuya _danna?_" I turn my head and see that little sadistic Shinsengumi brat, Okita, standing behind me, looking rather sleepy and bored.

"Yo, what are you doing in town so early in the morning? It's not like the Shinsengumi to be productive or anyting," I respond while offering him a seat.

"I think you know why danna. That bastard Hijikata decided to go on morning patrol and forced me to go with him, saying I'm never doing anything so this would be good for a change. Stupid Mayora, my heart was so hurt when he said that" Okita replies in a fake hurt tone before he smirks; "But if I'm lucky I'll be able to kill him and blame the lousy terrorist he's looking for, so all this might be not that bad after all." Okita smiles sickening sweet and pleased as he takes place in the chair next to me.

"You're damn scary, you know" I reply with a light chuckle, I never know how serious he is when he talks about killing Mayora but he sounds very convincing. I wouldn't get a blink of sleep if a sadistic brat like him would try to kill me. _Though it would be bad if he really killed him._

_Wait. What?... Why would it be bad if the sadist killed the Mayora? It's not like we're buddies or anything. Though we seem to spend a lot time together, somehow I always end up meeting him when something bad is about to happen... but that's entirely his fault!_

Deciding it's not any of my business I let out a soft sigh and try to decide if I should get another parfait or not. I want another one but they aren't cheap... why do I have to be so poor? At times like this I wish I was a tax robber like the sadist or even Mayora, at least then I would be able to buy parfaits to my hearts content. Though I would probably be fired or have to commit seppuku within a few days...

While I'm getting lost in thought about how nice it would be to eat as many parfaits as possible, Okita scratches his throat before trying to get the conversation going again.

_Oops. I've forgotten he was here too, must be because he suddenly stopped talking. It's not like him to be this quiet though. Ah. Maybe it's because it's still early._

"So, yeah, that's why I'm here. But I'm surprised danna, why are you up so early?" I notice a hint of curiosity in his voice even though he tries to sound like he doesn't, _nah, that can't be_. I must be imagining things, probably because it's too early for Gin-san to be functioning.

I tell him the sad story about my (former) bathroom and how poor Gin-san is forced to go to the bath house this early because there's no way those 2 brats would let me go if they knew I was going. Looking very sad I sigh again, hating Kagura for trashing the bathroom. Couldn't she play tag outside like _normal _brats would do? Not that she's really normal but still, have mercy on poor Gin-san!

Okita nods while listening but doesn't reply which is rare for the usually sharp mouthed brat. He seems to get lost in thought so I decide not to interrupt him though.

There aren't any other customers in the restaurant so it gets really silent all of sudden. It's quiet but not really in a bad way I guess.

Feeling very tired I rest my chin on my hand, close my eyes and almost fall asleep when I hear Okita standing up. I lazilyy open my eyes, wondering if he's leaving.

"Oh, did I wake you? I'm gonna buy a cup of coffee, I need to stay awake for my patrol after all". I nod and wait for him to walk away but he doesn't. After a small pause he hesitantly adds "Do you want something, like another parfait, danna?" I look suspiciously at him, the sadistic brat is trying to be nice? Is this a bad joke?... He looks serious though. _Strange..._

"It's on me, so don't worry about the bill". He even smiles a little now. I look at him, this time skeptical. This offer is too good to be true, he's probably planning something. _D_oes _he want to kill me? Drug and kidnap me?_ Okita notices my suspicion and adds; "Don't worry, I promise won't poison it. I need it to kill a certain Mayo head after all/"

Well... if he's offering a free parfait how can I decline? I slowly nod, asking him to bring me another strawberry parfait. I see him walking away, ordering and chatting a little with the boss before he walks back with the order.

Standing next to me he places the parfait on the table first, the coffee and the tray. He sits down, next to me again and shoves the parfait closer toward me after I show no sign of taking it yet. I look at the parfait, still not sure if I should eat it. I mean it is _Okita_ for gods sake. _Gin-san is too young to die._ But... on the other hand... it's a delicious sweet, sugar containing parfait...

Okita sees me doubting and says in an slightly hurt tone; "Come on, danna. I haven't done anything strange with it, you kept an eye on me all the time, right? Besides I told you I wouldn't poison it. And I wouldn't break a promise. Plus, for your information, I would only ever really poison Hijikata-san" he says, smirking again.

"You sure are creepy when you're smiling while talking about poisoning Mayora," I answer while still looking at the parfait, though a little less worried.

Deciding to trust him (and being unable to resist the much needed sugar any longer) I grab my spoon and start eating it, slowly enjoying this rare free treat. How long has it been since I've been treated to something this nice?...

It gets silent again while I'm eating and Okita is playing with his cup of coffee.

"You know... .."

Okita suddenly starts talking again, startling me a little since I wasn't paying attention to him at all, being too immersed with the parfait.

"You know... in fact... you're one of the very few people I actually do like, _danna._"

Almost choking on my parfait I look surprised at him. When he doesn't say anything more I continue to stare at him, waiting for a "_just kidding_" but he stays silent. The staring seems to make him nervous so I look away, staring at the table we sit there a little awkwardly.

_Oooi, is this some kind of joke?! But why the hell would he joke like that? There's no reason for him to say something like that... Damn brats these days, they're so hard to figure out! Is this what they call a "love confession"? No way, that only happens in doki doki shoujo manga! Besides, he probably meant like as in "don't want to blast you to death" kind of like. Yeah. Yeah... Ahahha, that must be it!..._

After a while it's starting to get really awkward, _this is getting uncomfortable_...

"I mean... you know... not that... .. I mean, I just don't feel the urge to kill you when I see you. Unlike with most of those bastards or idiots, I can talk normally with you..." Okita looks a bit lost and scratches his throat a few times. W_ait, is that.. no way... a blush?  
>"<em>You're the only partner I have when I want to make Hijikata-san suffer... so.. I guess ... it's because we are a bit alike... that I don't seem to dislike you?"

He seems a little surprised himself at his conclusion, probably unaware that he's slightly _blushing._

I inwardly sigh, not knowing if it's a good thing that a sadistic teenager seems to "not dislike me". But more importantly, what sort of _like_ does the brat really means? Like as in, I like teasing Hijikata with you but nothing more or.. ... or..? How the hell am I supposed to react to this? Damn that sadistic brat, Gin-san isn't used to situations like this. Trying to buy myself more time I take another bite of my parfait, still not looking at him.

"Ahh... Is that so?" I finally reply after swallowing the sweet sugar. Okita just kind of nods, waiting for me to continue. But I don't know what else to say, _just what does he expect me to do?_ Okita also falls silent so we go back to being quiet again.

I make sure to stare out the window while I continue to eat. Savoring the taste of the free parfait I absent minded start to slowly lick the spoon clean. After I notice there's nothing left on it I take another bite while thinking about what Okita just said, repeating this several times. Turning my head to ask Okita what he actually means I see he's still slightly blushing. _Wait, what? Why is he still...? Dam, what's going on with him, he acts so strange._

Just when Okita opens his mouth to say something I hear an awfully familiar voice behind me, instantly killing the oppertunitie for Okita to speak up. Even though I'm a little curious about what Okita wanted to say I'm grateful the awkwardness has disappeared.

"So this is where you are, you sneaky bastard!" I let out a soft chuckle hearing the lame cursing while I turn my head just enough to see an angry Hijikata. "Damn, you're supposed to be on patrol, not slacking off with the good-for-nothing Yorozuya boss."

Okita seems annoyed, being interrupted by Hijikata. He slowly stands up before answering in that bored tone of his "Hai hai, calm down Hijikata-san. I'm already on my way. I just don't feel like doing it since it was you who dragged me with you." Shaking his head he continues "Besides, I expected you to be able to find those pathetic terrorists by yourself, don't blame me for not finding them if you couldn't while you were actually looking for them. Haa, you kind of disappoint me,_ Vice commander._"

Hijikata looks extremely pissed off by Okita's reply. He's panting harder than usual and his cheeks are red, though he's probably been running through Edo while looking for Okita and the terrorist. _I kind of feel sorry for him, having to deal with the sadistic brat. Waoh. _Wait_. I mean I don't feel any kind of sympathy but... yeah... looking after Okita would be one hell of a tiring job... so it's kind of normal to think like this, right?_

"Relax Hijikata, if you keep getting so angry about small stuff you'll die of an heart attack sooner or later," Okita keeps mocking him, sounding a bit hopeful about the "sooner" part though.  
>"Oh don't worry, that won't happen. I'm perfectly healthy you know, I actually exercise and eat healthy stuff unlike a certain lazy good-for-nothing I know," Hijikata bites back. <em>Healthy? What? Does he think all that mayo is good for him?!<em>

He suddenly looks at me, as if he just remembered I'm still here too. His eyes tighten just a tiny bit. _Oooi, what's up with that look? _He then looks at Okita, glancing at him, almost as if he's trying to tell him anything. Okita looks expressionless but when he sees Hijikata glancing his expression also changes a little. _What's going on?_

"Okita, you're nów going on patrol. Otherwise it'll be seppuku as soon as we're back! Go, now!" Hijikata hisses. Damn, even I think he sounds a little scary. _Guess he isn't called the demonic vice commander for nothing._ Okita just stares back provokingly and seems to be plotting something. There's a tense air surrounding them which only gets worse when he suddenly smirks. He looks at me, still smirking. _Oooi, wait, leave me out of whatever your problem is! I'm innocent, innocent!_

"Hijikata_-san,_ if I go on patrol now will you keep _danna_ company in my place? He'll get lonely without anyone to talk to him and we wouldn't want that, would we?" Okita looks at Hijikata with those big innocent eyes, sugar sweet voice while smiling sweetly as if he's actually concerned about me.

_Oooi! What is he talking about? I don't need a mayo addicted bastard to keep me company, Gin-san is perfectly happy alone! Well if it was Ketsuno Ana it was another story but that's not the point, damn it! When he said he didn't hate me he was joking right? He knows Mayora and I always end up arguing or even fighting, he's a demon!_

_But... at least he didn't poison my parfait and he even payed for it... So maybe he's not _that _bad? People who buy sweets for others can't possibly be bad, right? Wait, that's not the matter here. Anyway, Gin-san doesn't need a Mayora as company. Well... another parfait would be nice... but we're talking about the Mayora bastard here, no way in hell he would ever buy me a parfait._

Hijikata seems extremely annoyed by Okita's request. He doesn't answer, just glances at him while he's clearly getting angrier with each passing second. Okita just smiles back. Suddenly Hijikata quickly glances at me again, _just what did poor Gin-san to you?! _

It feels like the air keeps getting colder and there's a really nasty aura surrounding those two. I'm getting tired with all this, I came here because I wanted some rest.

"Hai hai, that's enough, relax you two, damn it. Okita, just what the hell are you trying to do? Gin-san here is perfectly fine alone, I'm not a rabbit who'll will die of loneliness so don't go and do stupid things. And for you Mayora, if you want to stay here I'm fine with it, just relax if you do so. If you want to fight each other, fine, just don't do it in this restaurant."

Without replying Okita and Hijikata stare at me but quickly start glaring at each other again. _Ahh just forget it, it's not my business. Go fighting outside or whatever, just leave me alone. _

I close my eyes again and lay down on the table, comfortably resting my head on my arms, hoping they will both disappear so that I can get some well deserved rest.

After a while it seems like they fought it out, silently, as I hear one of them walking away. "Well then, I payed the bill as promised _danna._" I look up as I hear Okita talking to me in an almost nice tone. I slightly smile back and raise my hand as thanks. He turns toward Hijikata and continues; "I'll be going then, just as you wish. Have_ fun_, you two. Don't do stupid things without me." Okita sounds irritated but there's also a hint of sadism. _I'm screwed_.

"Bye danna, I hope you enjoyed your free parfait. See you around" Okita smirks and I see him walking away. I let out a soft sigh, hoping that things will finally calm down now. I lay down on the table again, not sure what I want to do now, _I don't feel like getting up yet_. I'm slowly dozing off when I hear the sound of a chair scratching. Surprised I open my eyes, looking at an irritated Mayora who's sitting sitting down in Okita's former chair. _Strange, I thought for sure he would leave..._

"You know, you're not forced to keep me company if you don't want to. Oh, wait. Don't tell me you're actually listening to Okita-kun? Or... you're actually concerned about me? I'm touched by your feelings but I'm sorry to say my heart already belongs to Ketsuno Anna" I can't help but tease him. Teasing Mayora has always been a hobby of me. "Don't worry, I'm not doing it for you nor for that Okita bastard" I raise my eyebrow, skeptical. "Tch, if you really wanna know; I'm dead tired, I need a damn break and with Okita finally doing his job I feel like I can finally relax a little."

I look at him, slightly smirking. Somehow seeing him irritated never fails to amuse me so I decide to irritate him a little more, _after all I'm a bit bored and I have some time to kill_.

"Ahww, is poor _Oogushi-kun _tired after a little walk around the big scary town?" I teasingly ask again, knowing he hates the nickname.

"Shut it you natural perm, you're a good for nothing idiot. Tch. If you really want to know, I couldn't get enough sleep last night during... certain problems." Hijikata still sounds irritated but also looks a bit... uncomfortable? "Anyway as I said; I'm dead tired and after talking to Okita I'm also extremely pissed off, that brat really will kill me sooner or later with his attitude."

Just when I want say that Gin-san didn't choose his natural perm, boss of the restaurant interrupts me "Sorry to interrupt Gin-san, but I have an early delivery... Could I ask you and your friend to take care of this place till I'm back? I could also close the place if you can't but then you'll have to get out..."

_Perfect. If there's no one around I'll be able to tease Oogushi-kun even better._

I quickly answer before Hijikata can even protest "Hai, of course boss. This guy here is from the Shinsengumi as you can see, so don't worry. We'll handle things here so you can go." I put my hand on Hijikata's shoulder like we're best buddies, smiling innocently. The boss seems relieved and takes off leaving us alone, promising to get back as soon as he can.

"Oi, you, don't decide stuff like that on your own! I have things to do you know? Unlike some lazy jobless idiot I have a job and work to do!" I hear Hijikata complaining and decide to ignore his insults. Ignoring and teasing him usually works better then arguing when I want to piss him off after all.

"If it's bothering you so much... why not tell me about your problems, _dear Oogushi-kun? _They say talking about problems will make you feel better, don't they? So tell Gin-sensei; Why couldn't you sleep last night?" I ask, making sure my tone is sugar sweet.  
>"W-what the hell? I told you I'm not "Oogushi-kun" you bastard. Besides, what's up with that rare tone of yours? And why I couldn't sleep isn't any of your business."<p>

Hijikata does seems a little tense and tired now I look better. _I guess he's really bothered about it... Hmmm, what could it be. Well I if I had to guess it would be that, right_?

"So my poor Oogushi-kun, seeing your reacting I assume there were certain _activities_ that kept you awake?" I purr in a low, suggestive, tone. "Activities that couldn't be done earlier that day? Perhaps... because those _activities _can't stand the light of the day...?"

Hijikata looks at me and raises his eyebrow a little, trying to hide his confusing but failing. He just doesn't get it. _Perfect. This is gonna be so much fun._

I turn myself towards him so that I can look him straight in the eyes. I nudge his knee to make him so the same and he hesitantly does so. Our knees are almost touching this way but that's not the main point. While I continue to talk I slowly lean a bit forward.

"Now tell me, Oogushi-kun, what exactly happened last night? Something... _embarrassing?_" I smirk as I see his cheeks are getting slightly redder now, _almost here, just a little more..._

We're sitting really close now, I pull my chair a little closer and put my knee between his. I can even see his pupils widen slightly as I close the remaining distance between us. When I'm close enough I carefully place my mouth next to his ear. I feel him shudder slightly but he doesn't jerk his head away, he's probably too surprised and shocked to react. _Good, really good._

I exhale, bloingw a bit air in his ear, earning a little shudder from him. Pulling back I see him struggling with words, he seems like he wants to protets, but stops as I slowly caress his cheek with one of my hands. I never knew his skin was so soft,_ it's a rather strange but... nice feeling I guess_. Hijikata looks surprised, almost embarrassed even and just when he wants to say something I cut him off.

I lean in again and whisper soft but seductively "What exactly were you doing, _Hijikata-kun?_ Hmm? Maybe something... _nice? S_omething... _exciting?_ Something... _forbidden, _perhaps...?" I can see him blushing fiercely now, finally getting what I've been hinting towards. _How cute..._

"Y-you bastard! W-what are you t-talking about? I-I mean... that's not... I wouldn't.. .. never!"

He seems at loss for words and tries to pull back but I won't let him, _not yet. _I place my hand on the back of his head to keep him close. I carefully place my other hand on his knee, lightly massaging it. He tenses up under my hand but doesn't make a move to run away. "What's wrong, _Hijikata-kun_? Was I perhaps... right?" I whisper lowly. He's really red now, looking really embarrassed but still refusing to respond. I softly chuckle in delight. T_his is almost too good to be true. I wonder... how far can I go... or rather, how far will he let me go? Wait. No, that sounds wrong. Like I want to go further... _

_Do I? I mean... looking at him from this close, he doesn't even look that bad. I mean if I were to be interested in him. Which I'm not. This is just a game... a game, yeah.  
>But why is my heart pounding so fast then?...<em>

Without thinking about it, I lean in and place a kiss on his shoulder, close to his neck, while purring, chuckling again as I hear his breath becoming more and more irregular. W-what are you do-" "Hmm.. you're so quiet and obedient... was I really right about what I said?"

"N-no, it's not like that... You're wrong, I.. I wouldn't do something like th-"

"Don't lie to me Oogushi-kun. That's so naughty of you. But you know, it's also rather _exciting_... I can almost imagine it, Hijikata-kun." I place slowly work my way up from his collarbone to his ear, leaving small kisses every time I go higher.

"You, laying in bed at night... lonely and feeling a bit... _restless. _Unable to fall asleep you take matters in your own_ hands_, ne Hijikata-kun? Slowly and uncertain your hands are roaming all over your warm restless body, yearning to find a little relief." "Nhh, no.. stop, don't talk like that.. you're wrong,_" _Hijikata lets out a soft protest.  
><em>"<em>Hmmm, am I? I'm sure you like that, ne? The feeling of your body tensing up under your touch, becoming more and more _restless_... Not sure what you want... just wanting to get rid of that _restless_ feeling... so you keep touching yourself, slowly reaching those naughty places..."

As Hijikata-kun is distracted by my words, I slowly move my hand closer to his thigh while I keep gently massaging the soft yet tense flesh. I hear a soft gasp as I move my hand even higher, closer and closer to _that _place but never really touching it, teasing him until he's blushing bright red.

"Nhgg, aahh... hha... .. don't... d-don't touch there... aahh!.. Nhh- tease..."

I let my other hand roam from the back of his head to his shoulders, moving lower and lower and finally hesitantly slipping under his uniform. He tenses up a as my hand touches his warm but soft skin and he's about to protest, but I just keep talking to distract him.

"Tell me _Hijikata-kun, _what were you doing with those _sinful_ hands? Did you slip your hand under your t-shirt, just like I'm doing now? Were you looking for your already hard nipples? Did you feel the need to touch them, to rub and pinch them till they were so sensitive you would moan out of sheer pleasure just from touching them? Were you teasing yourself like that, panting and blushing... moaning a little aloud, wanting to feel even _better_?"

"I-I'm not moa- d-dont! I don't want th- _ngggh_" Hijikata is panting a little as he looks away, too embarrassed that he actually moaned a little when I brushed over his sensitive nipples.

I continue to brush them, earning more soft muffled moans. "Did you first brush them teasingly soft like this?" Another moan escaped, he's clearly fighting to keep himself silent but isn't succeeding at all. _Wanting to hear more of those sinful arousing moans I continue this dangerous game._

"And after that? When you grew tired of softly brushing, did you pinch them?" Earning a louder moan when I slowly roll a hard nipple between my fingers I smirk, starting to get a little rougher with him. I see Hijikata biting on his lip, trying to prevent other lustful sounds to escape his mouth. _He looks so... ravished... so.. arousing, even though he's a guy._ I must stop this ridiculous game. I know. But. _But. I find myself wanting more, more..._ I kiss his neck again, slightly biting into the sensitive skin, earning another soft grunt.

"While you were busy with one hand, teasing and pleasuring your nipples... what did the other one do?" I whisper suggestively while moving my other hand a little higher on his tight again. A soft moan escapes his mouth and suddenly it hits me. The sight of his aroused and embarrassed face makes my pants feel way too tight. Hijikata looks at me with dazed eyes, a little unstable but so very _sinful_.

I find myself drawn into his gaze, he's so enchanting... I, I never knew he could look so..._ tempting_... Damn it, pull yourself together! _But I can't. _Even though he's _Hijikata, Shinsengumi's Vice Commander Hijikata _of all people, I can't deny him when he looks like this... he's just too much to resits...  
>Sitting so close to me while he's slightly panting, looking at me with those lust clouded eyes and with those parted soft looking, slightly wet lips... I find myself unable to hold back any longer. I pull my head back from his ear, still looking at those soft, inviting lips.<p>

_I only wanted to tease him a little... isn't this going too far? I... I should stop this... but god he looks so tempting... and those lips.. they look so sweet, so soft I just can't-_

"H-hot... I feel... so strange.. it's hot... really strange... do something... ne, _Gintoki..."_

_Hearing Hijikata talk like that, saying my name in such an sinful way... I just lost the tiny bit of my self control I had._

I place my hand behind his head again, caressing his soft hair while pulling him even closer towards me. Those dazed eyes keep me enchanted and I'm unable tothink about anything besides those soft, sweet lips. I close my eyes when I feel his warm breath tickling against my lips, I move a little closer to him and just as I feel something warm I... get roughly shoved back.

Surprised by the sudden force I open my eyes when I almost fall off my chair, stumbling backwards till I hit the window. Hijikata's still slightly panting while he starts to yell "J-just what the fuck were you trying to do? Just, what, shit, I'll arrest you for s-sexual harassment freaking pervert!"

Confused at the sudden change in attitude I just stare at him, his eyes burning with anger this time. "Damn bastard, taking advantage of people like that is a god damn crime! You fucking idiot, just how far were you planning to take this stupid **joke**?"

While Hijikata keeps yelling I feel my chest suddenly ache at his last words. _Joke? Ahh, ahhah that's right... this was just a game, wasn't it? Just a little meaningless game..._ But I can't help to feel something like disappointment, embarrassment and something else... _rejection_?

It certainly wasn't the first time that teasing Hijikata ended up with a lot cursing and yelling but this time it's... _different_. I know I -_almost_- went too far but still.. _It hurts _when you yell and curse at me for almost k-kissing you asshole! _Wait._ Why would it hurt?... _It's not the first time Hijikata yelled at me.  
>But why is it then that this time it feels like my heart is being stabbed, and the knife gets twisted around?...<em>

Not knowing how I should react to all this I simply say the first thing that comes into my mind "But... you looked like you were enjoying yourself... ne,... weren't you?.." As soon as the words leave my mouth I regret them, knowing I just crossed a line I shouldn't have.

Hijikata looks dumbstruck at me, only to get furious after the meaning of my words finally sink in and for a moment I really expect him to draw his sword to slice something (or rather, me) up. But he just stands there, looking confused, embarrassed and above all, furious. He glances at me with so much hatred and something else I don't understand, I find myself unable to look away, trapped.

After what feels like hours he finally looks away, muttering and cursing something about arresting me the next time he sees me and storms away. I know I should probably run after him, trying to explain things, _explain what.. Explain that you were unable to resist him and wanted to kiss him, for real?_  
>I know I should run after him but something stops me. Before he disappeared I swear I saw tears welling up in his eyes and I know nothing I'd say now would be good enough... <em>just what the hell did just happen?<em>

In a daze I stumble back in my chair and then I realize just how much my chest aches, how much it hurts. _This was not what I planned, not what I wanted at all_... I feel guilty, what if I really made him cry with my stupid teasing, well, it was meant as teasing untill I took it too far.

Lost in thoughts and worry I touch my underlip, remembering the hot feeling when we almost really... k-kissed. Unable to understand anything I just sit there, wondering what I should do next...


	2. How to stress a Mayora

**A/N**: I'm so sorry it took me so long to upload chapter 2! To be honest most of it was already sort of done a while ago but I couldn't think of an ending for the chapter and I had a really hard time with the smut so it took me really long to think about it. Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy the new chapter ^^

**Rating**: Kind of M or T+ (depends on you I guess. Contains cursing, some smut, little dirty talking and Okita's sadism xD)

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Gintama or it's characters

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><p>"Hijikata-san... Hijikata-san" I hear Okita approaching as I start to walk faster, not in the mood to face him. "Hijikata-san, Hiji- oooi, Mayora bastard, I'll blow your head off if you don't turn around now. Your choice but I would prefer it if you choose the latter..."<p>

Grinding my teeth I slowly turn around, not certain about my ability to dodge the blast from his bazooka as I am feeling now. I try to keep my expression as normal as possible while observing Okita's usual bored face. _Great. Just what I needed. What does that bastard want?_

"What's wrong Hijikata-san? You look a bit... upset? Have you been running around in fear because the terrorist finally got you?" he asks innocently but there's a hint of sarcasm, he's probably wishing he would actually catch me. "Why you- bastard, no they didn't! I'm just not feeling well because _someone_ has been pushing his work on me so I have to overwork all the time" I reply irritated, hoping he'll buy my weak excuse.

I inwardly sigh, I'm just not in the mood to talk, I want, scrap that, I _need _some time alone to order my confused thoughts. After all, I'm feeling pretty messed up after _that _happened with the useless natural perm idiot...

"_Were you doing something... __nice__? Hijikata-kun? Something... exciting?" _Damn it! I don't want to think about that, get out of my head you pervert!_ "That's so naughty Hijikata-kun. But you know, it's also rather... __exciting__" _That bastard, who does he think he is? Talking so... so dirty, doesn't he have any shame? I feel a blush spreading on my cheeks as I start to recall those perverted words, fuck, it's all his fault! Just how much fun does he think it is to tease me? I feel my eyebrow twitching and try to think of something else (anything, I mean anything else is fine) but fail miserably. When I see Okita staring at me I'm getting nervous, _screw that Yorozuya bastard for messing up my mind!_

I feel uncomfortable with Okita observing my every move but it's not like I can ask him to leave, can I? If I do that he'll know something is wrong and probably blackmail me with it! Feeling frustrated I decide to walk away, praying that he'll let me alone for once. I hear footsteps behind me and sigh inwardly, _damn it, not giving up? Tch, should've known it wouldn't be that simple to shake him off..._

"Hijikata-san... I think you should relax for a bit. Thinking about it you look a bit strange, your cheeks are... _flustered? _Are you... getting sick?_"_ I can practically hear him smirk. Panic rushes through my body and heart misses a beat as I hear his words, there's no way he knows what happened, right, right? "Just s-shut up! Ya ain't making me feel any better you know" I mumble irritated, still not looking at him. Because of that I don't his expression change into a more evil one. _Is he playing a game with me? Just what is he trying to do?_

"Why are you getting so irritated Hijikata-san? Ohh, are you insulted that I asked if you were sick?... Well you are always perfectly healthy so I guess it can't be that... hmm... so... maybe something _else_ did happen?" Again my heart misses a beat, ooi! I'm seriously getting worried here!

"But all you did was going on a short patrol this morning, _right?_" I stand still, turn my head and growl at him as reply as I see is expression, he looks at me with mix between satisfaction, sadism and fake innocence._ Wait a moment, just how much does this fucking brat know?_ I know something is seriously wrong, hearing him feigning ignorance like this... _I'm doomed. I'm doomed and there's no way to escape this hell._

"Nothing special happened, ne, Hijikata-san?" He asks again with those innocent eyes but while slightly smirking. I grit my teeth and reply with a short, irritated "no" but know it isn't convincing as I feel my cheeks heating up once again, hating my body for betraying me like this.

I sigh, I guess he knows more than I would like him to know but I also know I can't do anything to stop him... All I can do is keep silent and wondering how long he'll continue this damned nerve wrecking torture.

"Oh... but wait a moment! Now that I think about it... " Okita sounds as if he suddenly remembers something really important and I inwardly jump a bit. I look at him, almost wishing he won't continue this. _No, noo, nooo!..._

"Something special _did_ happen, ne, Hijikata-san~? Something... no, rather... _someone_ special... We met the Yorozuya _danna _this morning, you remember?" His voice sounds pleased but there's a sadistic undertone in it, screw that fucking bastard, he's enjoying this way too much! Feeling my anger replaced by panic when he continues to tease me I look away as I continue to blush;

"Tell me... _Did_ something happen between you and _danna_ while you two were all alone?" Okita is now fully smirking at me, _damn that shitty brat, he totally got me!_ "W-what are you talking about? Of course nothing happened you idiot." I try to talk myself out of this but I know it's futile...

"Now don't screw with me, you shouldn't play dumb Hijikata-san." Okita sounds really pissed off now, alarming me to prepare for the worst... "I know you have a very weak spot for _danna_. I mean come on, don't you remember last night? When I heard you while you were sleep talking, no, rather moa-" "S-shut up! I told you that was n-nothing, I just had a... a n-nightmare, yeah, it was just a nightmare!" I quickly cut him off, too embarrassed to listen to him any longer. I know my excuse isn't convincing at all when I hear myself stuttering and I know I'm blushing, again.

Okita looks pleased at my nervous reaction and raises his eyebrow; "Oh, really?... But you know, Hijikata-san, most people don't _moan_ in their sleep while they're having a _nightmare" _Okita states dull and glances at me, triumphantly.

Not having the energy anymore to deny it I simply keep looking away. After a awkward silence I softly mumble; "Just stop it already, you said you wouldn't bring it up again, didn't you?" I feel ashamed, I'm unable to deny it because... well... that bastard is right! Damn it all, yeah it ís true!... I hear him chuckle, pleased to get me so embarrassed. I want to get out of here as soon as possible, this is so humiliating...

"Eeehh~? Now when did I say something like that? I can't seem to remember it..." Okita blinks a few times, looking innocent while faking to think about it. _Yes you said that you fucking bastard!_

I sigh in defeat, knowing there's no way to win against him in an argument. I'm tired of arguing, besides I'm extremely stressed out, cut me some slack already. Okita notices my change in attitude and looks lost in thought. _Shit. Well isn't this great. Just what hell is he planning?_

While waiting for him to do something I decide to lit a cigarette. I slowly inhale, _aaah so good, I feel a lot better now.._. I'm lost in my own little -happier- world so when I feel a hand on my shoulder I jump up a little, seeing Okita chuckle as I do so. "I've made up my mind Hijikata-san. I think you need some free time to calm down. Don't worry, I'm taking over the patrol for you today. Relax a bit, go to the bath house and enjoy your free day, ne?" Okita sounds actually nice, as if he really cares about me and my health...

I'm shocked. I must have heard it wrong, _Okita "King of Sadists" _is taking over my _patrol_ and is suggesting I go take a nice, relaxing bath? I raise my eyebrow in disbelieve, he's joking right, right? "What's up with that look _Hijikata-kun? _You're hurting my pure feelings you know..." I let out a soft grunt, Okita and pure, no way in hell! "So... I guess you don't want a day off?..." Okita asks innocently while he keeps smiling nicely. _Creepy._ When I don't reply I see him getting impatience, he's getting irritated...

"Okay forget the nice tactic." Okita mumbles, probably thinking aloud. His nice voice is nowhere to be found as he sounds really pissed off right now. Scratching his throat a few times he continues to talk in his -usual- sadistic tone "Listen Hijikata-san, if you don't want everyone from the Shinsengumi ánd Edo to know about your _little kink_ for the Yorozuya _danna_ I suggest you listen to me. You're going to take the day off and spend the rest of the day in the closest bath house, understood? You're, under no condition allowed to leave the, not until it's completely dark outside, okay?. Do you get me, Hijikata-san?" Okita looks irritated but also dead serious at the same time.

"Don't say _that_ aloud in the middle of the street! And damn you bastard, I got it okay! I just need to stay in the bath house till the evening, right? If I do that then will you promise not to tell _anyone_ about what happened last night?" I reply irritated, damn him he's definitely planning something bad! Maybe taking over the Shinsengumi while I'm away?... I don't trust that sadistic bastard but fuck, it's not like I can disobey him now. I mean I don't want anyone, -especially not a certain natural perm haired bastard- to find out about last night...

"Haaai... I promise I won't tell anyone as long as you keep your promise. Now go and have a nice, relaxing bath, Hijikata-san" Okita answers annoyed and pushes me in the direction of the bath house. As I turn around I see him waving slowly while smirking evilly. I let out a soft sigh, knowing I don't have much of a choice but to obey him for now. _But why do I have to stay in a bath house, of all places? Well forget it, I'll probably never understand that jerk._

Hesitantly I walk towards the entrance of the bath house, thinking that I might as well enjoy my day off now that I have one, not knowing what evil schemes are being planned behind my back by that sadistic bastard...

I pay the entree price, undress quickly, put a towel on and slowly walk towards the baths. This is the most luxurious bath house in Edo so there are different baths and each one has it own room which are usually really crowded. I decide to go in the first bath I see, surprised to see that it's empty. _Well it is still early in the morning after all..._

I carefully walk towards the water, trying to keep my balance. Luckily the floor isn't soaked yet so I reach the bath without falling. As I look around I begin to enjoy the idea of having the whole bath, no, the whole room for myself. As I finally sit in the jacuzzi part of the bath I close my eyes, allowing myself to relax for the first time in what, days? Slowly dozing off I unconsciously start to re-call that, the reason I'm in this mess... that damned dream...

_It's dark but I'm able to see my own body and I feel I'm laying on my back. I'm wearing my usual day off yukata but it's sloppily draped around me. I notice a hot feeling spreading through my body, making me feel a bit restless. The heat soon gets unbearable and absentmindedly I start to slide the cloth around my shoulders further down till my chest is almost completely exposed. Not that it helps, in fact, it makes me feel even hotter. I still feel restless and the urge to touch myself grows every second. Slightly panting I hesitantly let my hands roam over my chest and belly, not sure what I want to do with them. _

_When I get impatient my movements get more daring and I accidentally rub over my nipple. It was just for a moment but holy shit, why does it feel so good? Wanting to feel that pleasure again I slowly start to play with my nipples, kinda enjoying the feeling as I suddenly realize how slutty this must look... The realization makes me fluster but even though it feels a bit wrong I'm unable to stop myself, wanting to feel more and more pleasure... _

_My breath is rising and I'm panting, feeling a bit uneasy as the restless feeling won't disappear... I press my legs closer to each other but that doesn't help at all, it just tenses me up. I pinch my nipple a little harder and I'm surprised when I hear a moan, is that really my voice? I relax my legs again, causing me to spread them a bit. Another wave of pleasure takes over my mind and I unconsciously spread them wider, making me feel slightly embarrassed for some reason... but well... I guess I don't hate the feeling..._

_Gradually losing myself in the mind consuming pleasure I put 2 fingers on my lips, taking them into my mouth after another groan. Once they're in my mouth I slowly suck on them, trying to do it in an erotic, almost lewd way. I feel strange, it's embarrassing to do this but it feels good at the same time... I keep sucking while I twirl my tongue around them, thoroughly wetting them and moaning, fully enjoying the feeling of sucking and licking them. I close my eyes while I keep licking them, only satisfied when till they're dripping wet with my saliva. Another shot of embarrassment races through me as I think about how slutty I'm acting and how lewd I must look but the shame is turning me on even more..._

_I reluctantly pull the fingers out of my mouth, using them to wet my almost painfully hard nipples with them, pinching them a bit. I throw my head back, letting out a moan when I feel the mix of pleasure and cold air hitting the abused pink buds. _

_As I keep pleasuring my nipples with one hand the other is now teasingly roaming over my chest, over belly, slowly moving towards my hard arousal, moving lower and lower... Just when I'm about to touch the painfully aching need I wake up form my lust clouded trance when I hear a soft chuckle next to me._

_"Ahh Oogushi-kun, are you trying to turn me on, looking and acting so lewd like that?... I didn't knew you could act so extremely erotic... moaning and touching yourself like that, legs spread open and panting... With your hair messed up, yukata sloppy draped around you and displaying those hard nipples you look like you're begging to be fucked, like you want to be pounded till you can't remember your own name anymore, only screaming in pleasure..." _

_I freeze as I see Gintoki smirking, looking down on me. I blush like mad as I quickly stand up while trying to re-do my yukata but my hands are shaking. I really want to disappear, ashamed that Gintoki of all people had to see me like this! I snap out of my embarrassment when I feel a pair of lips lightly touching my ear, shuddering from the sudden contact. _

_"Ne... Oogushi-kun, why did you stop your erotic actions? Aren't you like really really turned on now? Don't you want to continue touching yourself?... You were almost touching your hard cock, don't you want to come?... ne, Oogushi-kun?" Gintoki whispers in a low, seductive voice. I feel the heat spreading through my body again, remembering how nice I felt before I was interrupted... _

_"Tell me, you were panting and moaning like that while you were only touching your nipples... could you be really that sensitive? Did you feel so aroused just from a little nipple play?" A soft, low purr followed by a small chuckle leave his seducing mouth before he starts to kiss my neck. No, this can't be happening. I'm getting turned on again, just from him talking a little dirty and kissing my neck? Just when I want to protest I let out a soft gasp, a slightly cold hand touch my chest through my yukata. I can feel him smirking as his lips are still pleasuring my neck. He bites softly on the sensitive skin and gives a small lick over the __lightly abused flesh, drawing more groans from me. As his fingers wriggle under the cloth I feel a wave of pleasure running through my hard arousal when they find my nipples and begin to rub them, making me feel more turned on and embarrassed than ever. I mean here I am, moaning like some cheap, sluttish girl when I get only touched a little and by a man nonetheless! _

_Gintoki pulls back after kissing my neck for the last time and looks at me with a mix of lust, sadism and satisfaction. I'm trying to catch my breath I look at him when he starts to talk again "Oh my... look at you... you're already feeling it, ne~? Don't tell me you're getting turned on this much just from me playing a little with your nipples, demonic-vice-commander-san?" he asks in a teasing tone as another chuckle leaves those devilish but pleasurable lips. I can only look away, embarrassed by the fact he's right, I'm really am turned on because he played a little with my nipples..._

_"Hmm... well... since you're loving whatever I'm doing to you... what do yo say about this;" Soft lips are pressing, lightly kissing a really sensitive spot just behind my ear, making me feel dizzy before he continues; "If you're able to make me feel really, really good I promise I'll do __anything___, I mean ___anything ___you want me to". He sounds so seductive I have trouble concentrating on his words... I feel confused and look at him for help, just what does he mean?... I have to make him feel go- oh JESUS he can't mean th-that, right? Fantasies flow into my head... me, s-serving him as soft moans leaves his throat... him pleasuring me as gasps fill the air... I shake my head to lose those confusing thoughts, my cheeks are on fire and I'm sure I can't get any redder than this.__

__Gintoki laughs at my shocked, flustered expression and raises his eyebrow, still waiting for a reply. "Y-you mean I have to... t-touch your.. y-your..." I stutter while trying to look away but get stopped by a soft hand on my chin. His lust clouded eyes drawn me in and I know I should refuse his proposal but my lewd body betrays me, reacting so strongly on the mere thought of doing something like ___that... ___it's making me feel so turned on I can only think accepting the offer... I can't stop thinking about it, me shyly trying to please him, him pleasuring me... another fantasy is about me laying beneath him, shuddering and moaning in sheer ecstasy... I realize that I want him, I really want him to pleasure me... And if I have to do something for him before that... how bad can it be, right?... I see him growing impatient and finally give a small nod while trying to smile a little, trying to hide my nervousness. __

__Without replying Gintoki smirks and simply grabs my hand, leading it to his pants and finally pressing my hand against the slight bulge down there. Something in me screams to pull my hand away but I'm unable to move, fascinated by what I'm feeling. Such an unfamiliar feeling but still... somehow it's the same... Without letting me worry too much about it I hesitantly kneel before him as I keep looking at him. He lets out a soft groan of anticipation as I slowly start to unbuckle his small black belt. Once it's off I look up, unsure what to do now. He gets my hint and starts to undo his yukata impatiently, throwing it on the ground once it's off. When he's done he smiles at me, trying to encourage me.__

__I swallow a few times before I begin to hesitantly undo his black trousers. My hands are ____shaking a little while fiddling with the buttons and I stubbornly look down, unable to look him in the eyes while doing something that feels so wrong... something that feels so... dirty? ____Finally done with the buttons I'm about to pull his zipper down when I feel a hand suddenly grabbing my hair, softly yanking my head up, forcing me to look at him. __

_"_Who said you could use your hands? Those slutty hands that can't seem to stop touching your lewd body shouldn't be used to touch me, don't you agree?" I can only agree with him holding my hair like that, feeling a bit shocked by his sudden attitude change. He smiles soothing, trying to tell me there's no need to be worried before he continues "So, since we agree you shouldn't use your hands... you should probably use something else, my dear Oogushi-kun" A small devilish smirk appears while he lets go of my hair.__

__I'm shocked. Just wait, he can't be serious about that, right? I mean, he want's me to... to...?I look up, wanting this to be a joke but he doesn't look like he's joking. He smiles sweetly at me and gently caress my cheeks with his hand while whispering "Ne, Oogushi-kun, please do it? I want you to do it really bad" I have to swallow a few times, considering what to do now?... I mean t-touching it is one thing, that is something I can live with... but, what he wants me to do is... so, so wrong... it makes me feel so dirty, so sluttish but at the same time it's turning me on! My cheeks are burning by now, there's no way I can do something like that... But I do want him, feeling my burning with desire again... I want him like really really bad...__

__Gintoki sees me hesitating and leans forward so he can whisper in my ear again "Come on my sweet Oogushi-kun, please do it for me? It would make me really happy... and if you do it I promise I'll pleasure you in any way you want till you can't remember a thing anything else but pleasure, ne? I'll let you cum till you can't anymore..." His hand slowly moves to my neglected arousal, teasingly stroking over it, sending waves of sheer pleasure through my body, making me forget all about what he was asking me. I let out a really sluttish moan, shit I never knew I had a thing for dirty talking! Gintoki smirks and purrs in delight as he sees my reaction, continuing his dirty talking in his low, alluring voice.__

_"_If you want me I could fuck you so hard you'll see nothing but stars around you, pounding into you and hitting that forbidden spot again and again... I promise I'll make you feel so good you forget all about your shame. I will make you scream for more and more, begging over and over again to please let you come, make you feel so horny you'll come all over yourself like the slutty, lewd person you are". Another moan leaves my throat as he puts more pressure on my dripping cock, making it so hard for me to concentrate... __

_"_I could make you feel so turned on you'll move those impatient, lecherous hips on your own, trying to feel me pounding into you even deeper and deeper. Moaning and enjoying the feeling of me fucking that delicious tight, lewd place as you'll start milking me so desperately for my cum, moaning like a whore as I hit your special spot head on and finally making you cum so intensely just from the feeling of me cumming inside you... I'm sure you'll love the feeling of my cum, shooting in that lewd little ass of yours" He softly purrs in my ear and kisses my neck again before he pulls back, standing upright, waiting for me to do ___that___...__

__I could feel his dirty talking going straight into my cock as I feel it ache with so much need that I feel I could almost cum, just from the thought of what could happen... I breath deeply and out a few times before I hesitantly move my head down, closer to his pants... Blushing madly and feeling really embarrassed that I'm going to do this I move my head even closer, feeling a little anxious but also extremely turned on...__

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><p><em><strong>AN:** So, this is it for chapter 2, sorry for stopping right at the "good" part, ehehe... :) It's getting a bit too long if I would write more and I kind of want to keep the smut for the next chapter(s)._

_If I may I want to say one thing; Oh My God. That was só embarrassing to write! I thought I could've died from a nosebleed or something like that, how do other people do it? I'm gonna try my hardest for the next chapter *gulp, I'm already worred* and I hope I can promise it'll be updated sooner than this one, again, sorry. Please let me know what you think about the smut/dream at the end, I'm not too sure about it so critic/advice is really welcome! :D_

_For the Gin x Okita fans, I'll try to add some hints in the next chapter so don't worry :) If you have suggestions/ideas on what should happen you can always PM me, I promise I'll think about it (and I'll reply of course). Also, if I made mistakes or other stuff isn't correct feel free to PM me ^^_


	3. How to shatter a Glass Heart

**A/N:** _I really have to learn to update faster, gomen nasai minna-san! (sorry everyone!) But wow, t__his chapter was hard to write. I thought the smut of chapter 2 was difficult, well it turned out that this one was a lot more challenging. I'm not too sure if it turned out to be all right but I tried. I hope you'll like it :) Please enjoy this chapter ^^_

**Rating: **_T / T+ (cursing, sort of angst/comfort I guess, light implied stuff)_

**Disclaimer: **_I do not own Gintama (too bad xD)  
><em>

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><p>From time to time I look outside through the window, noticing that a few hours must have passed since this morning. I see that the sun is finally awake by now and gently shining, covering the table in front of me in a warm yellow, almost golden color.<p>

It's gonna be a nice day with small clouds decorating the bright light blue sky and birds are singing their lively songs outside while Edo is slowly waking up, it's gonna be a nice day but I can't be happy about it. I'm still sitting in the same chair as I ended up at the end of events this morning, lost in thought as I keep recalling what happened between Hijikata-san and me. I just can't let go of it, remembering it over and over, again and again... It's giving me a headache but I can't help but to think about it!

His cute flustered cheeks, the little aroused sounds he made, the soft panting, the captivating look in his eyes, the way he clutched on to me; I remember it all. But above all, the thing I remember the best; his expression when he ran out of the restaurant, that hurt expression and those dangerously watery eyes... That image won't leave my head, filling me with guilt of what happened...

_Shit, I never wanted this to happen. I just wanted to tease him a little, just like always. There's nothing wrong with that, right? Right? I mean it's not like I intentionally wanted to hurt him! Just... test the boundaries a little... Arghh! Why did Mayora have to react so serious? How could I not want to play a little with him when he looks so vulnerable and sort of.. well... excited? Shit, it's not like I was just fooling around like a male slut, he really got to me with the way he looked at me, the way he moaned, damn everything about him! He just looked too tempt- _I abruptly smack my head on the table, hard. Not wanting to keep thinking about how sexy Hijikata-san looked I try to shut my brain off, forcefully since it doesn't listen to me anymore but it doesn't seem to work.

I grumble and rub my head, feeling it sting a little, _great, I just hurt myself with that stupid action. _I let out a frustrated sigh, damn it all! Too tired about all this I lay my arms on table so I can use them as a pillow, close my eyes and try to sleep. Sleep, that's all I want now, escaping in the world of blissful nothingness, wanting to forget everything even if it were to be for only for a minute... The bright sun gently warms my head as I slowly feel my consciousness fade away, embracing the soft white nothingness with open arms...

_~ "What's wrong, _Hijikata-kun_? Was I perhaps... right?" I teasingly ask. He's really red now, looking really embarrassed but he doesn't know how to respond ~_

_~ Hijikata is panting and looks at me with lust dazed eyes  
><em>_I find myself drawn into his gaze and wow... he's extremely enchanting... ~_

_~ "I feel... so strange.. it's hot... really strange... do something... Gin-san" ~_

_~ I close my eyes when I feel his warm breath tickling against my lips,_  
><em>I move a little closer to him and... ~<br>_

_~ The last thing I notice is how soft his lips are the moment they touch mine,_  
><em>as after that my mind goes blank, filled with the taste of happiness,<em>  
><em>I feel happy, almost at home in this fluffy feeling that spreads,<em>  
><em>soft fluffy feelings, the almost warm, gentle softness<em>  
><em>feelings soft like a cloud, bright as the sunlight,<em>  
><em>leaving a glowing feeling, something like<em>  
><em><span>love<span>... perhaps? ~_

_D-... .. Danna... up.. ..na- …. Danna... wa- .. up! C-.. on, wake up!..._

I slowly open my eyes, not too sure why I woke up in the first place. I yawn when I suddenly vaguely remember my dream, feeling a little blush spreading, _oh no, you're kidding me! I did __**not**__ dream about Hijikata-san and me, kissi-_ "Good morning _Danna" _Okita interrupts me, _thank god_, speaking to me in a soft tone with an unusual nice smile. I notice his warm hand laying on my shoulder, he probably tried to wake me up by shaking me a little. He's standing next to me so I look up to him, squeezing my eyes a little as I do so. "Well guess who's here again" I reply, letting out a lazy smirk. The sun is now fully awake, shining little rays of light on his face, covering it in an nice and warm yellow color. I use my hand to block the sun, the light is too intense for poor Gin-san who just woke up.

Okita notices me staring and lets out a soft chuckle while he has that strange glance in his eyes, again... It seems a bit like a mix between discomfort and something else I can't really describe... I let out another yawn and rub my eyes, trying to fully wake up. He just keeps looking at me which makes me a bit uncomfortable, _is there something on my face or something?_ I try to break the slightly awkward silence, asking him what he's doing here, for the second time this day.

Okita seems a bit startled by my question, _well he did seem to be lost in thought,_ but quickly composes himself before he answers "Well that's because I was looking for you, you know? When I couldn't find you in town I hoped you were still here, so I came here" He looks down again and seems to suddenly notices he still hasn't moved his hand from my shoulder and quickly lets go, looking a bit uncomfortable. I just let out a soft chuckle, after all it's quite rare to see an expression like that on his face. Though I do think it's a little strange... After a short silence I decide to let it go and tell him to sit if he wants. He seems almost relieved when he notices I won't asks his rather strange behavior. _Guess it can't be helped, if he wants to say something about it he'll do so._

When he finally sits down I continue to ask "Aah, that makes sense. But why were you looking for me?" _Oh wait, shit, what if he plans to torture me?... This can't be good, I mean this ís Sougo after all. I am so not in the mood for any of his devilish plans..._

"Well... I have a present for you, Danna" He smiles almost happily, which makes me worry even more. _A present? From the king of sadists? Poor Gin-san is way too young to die! Ooi, help me! Someone, help Gin-san!... _"A present, for me? Ah, you shouldn't have gone through the trouble of doing that, baka" I say half jokingly, half seriously, trying to find a way to decline his present nicely. "But I'm sure you'll like it... at least you'll let me tell you what it is, ne?" his smile doesn't leave his face but his tone changed, obviously sounding dangerously serious now, like he won't accept "no" for an answer...

I scratch the back of my head a few times, not sure how to react to this "Well... if it's nothing painful I guess I could listen to you... but who says it's not something that will try to kill me? I mean we're talking about you Sougo, the king of sadists" I let out a soft chuckle, not able to imagine Sougo giving someone a _normal _present. He doesn't reply but just looks at me with a slightly hurt look on his face. S_hit, did I say something wrong?... I mean shit, it was just a joke you know!_

He remains quiet as he keeps staring into my eyes, still with that strange hurt look in his eyes, almost as if he's trying to find an answer to a question I don't know... He scratches his throat softly and runs his hand through his hair, obviously nervous as he's trying to tell me something but is unable to do so.

After a long -and quite painful/awkward- pause he lets out a fake laugh "Ahha.. ahaha... that's... kinda harsh... you know? Come on _Danna_, don't hurt my feelings like that..." Even though he tried to hide it, it's obvious he's feeling rather uncomfortable, making me wonder what is going on. His scratches his throat before he continues, this time in his usual voice "Ne... Don't you remember? I told you, didn't I? It was just this morning..." His serious tone surprises me, _did I really hurt his feelings? But_ _wait. More importantly, what did he tell me this morning?...  
><em>

_~ "In fact... you know... you're one of the very few people I... _

_I... actually __**like**__, D__anna"_

_~ "I mean... you know... I don't feel the urge to kill you when I see you..." ~ _

Okita's words are echoing in the back of my head, repeating the words I heard earlier this day. _Wait...? Does that mean he wasn't joking about that? About the fact that he... well... he l-likes m-_ "So, umm... do you remember it, _Danna?" _Okita's question wakes me up from my thoughts, "You better do... because, you know, what I told you is kinda important to me" Okita asks almost shyly as I scratch the back of my head, trying to find the right words but I find myself unable to find them. I see him growing uneasy as I don't reply. I scratch my throat softly before I give him one of my genuine smiles and reply with a soft "Yeah... I do remember..."

As I reply I try to read his expression but he refuses to look me in the eyes, making it impossible for me to do so. Obviously embarrassed by his question he stubbornly keeps staring a the table with an uncomfortable expression on his face, fiddling with his fingers. I let out a soft sigh and cover my eyes with one hand, trying to think what to do now. _It's not like I can make joke about it, right? But does that mean I have to stalk about it? What if he doesn't want to talk about it? What if he's just faking it all, just for fun?... What should I do?_

Because I covered my eyes and I'm too occupied with thinking I don't notice what Okita does. He hesitantly moves his hand towards mine, almost stopping a few times while doing so. Too lost in thought I don't notice his shy action until his small, soft fingers softly meet mine, barely touching them... probably hesitant to make real contact yet they just press against mine...

I immediately wake up from my thoughts and confused by his action I just stare at him in surprise, only to see him looking away with a cute blush spreading on his cheeks. _Wait. Did I just thought he looked cute?... No, no, no, this can't be real! Get a hold on yourself Gin-san! Should I move my hand? But, well, it's not that bad and who knows, maybe I'll really hurt his feelings if I do so..._

He softly bites on his underlip as he tries really hard to keep looking way, obviously extremely embarrassed about what he just did. "Uhmm... err... umm... Okita? Um... Okita?" _God, this is so awkward! Please let this be over, soon!_ I scratch my throat a few times before I'm able to talk again _"_What ummm, umm.. um.., what about the p-present you were talking about earlier...?" Wanting to break this awkward atmosphere desperately I try to change the subject, even if it's about the thing that brought me into this mess in the first place. _Anything is fine with me, just disappear you awkward silence!_

Okita finally looks at me and his expression seems to changes into a sad one for a moment, though it happened so fast I'm not sure if it wasn't just my imagination. Still, something seems to be going on in his head as he doesn't reply and just looks at me, questioningly. "Umm, what about the.. um.. present?" He seems to snap out of it as he quickly replies "O-oh yeah, umm, about that... well... I think it's something really... special. I think it's something you've been wanting for well.. quite a long time now..." He tries to smile but it's way too forced, looking at it almost hurts me, seeing him forcing himself like that. As I feel his hand slightly trembling I wonder if everything is all right, _why is he forcing himself like this?_

"Ahh... is that so?... Well then, would you tell me what it is?" I smile gently, happy that the awkward silence seems to be gone. I try to convince myself I have nothing to lose at this point but somehow I'm still a bit worried what it might be. _Maybe some voodoo dolls? Or... umm... maybe it s a pack of Strawberry Milk? I haven't had one of those for quite a while now? That would be really nice... but on the other hand, why would Okita make such a big fuss about Strawberry Milk? I know it's god like liquor but still, it would be strange... _

I'm so lost in my thoughts I only realize now that his fingers are still touching mine as I feel them trembling again. Okita slowly moves his hand a few times, almost covering my hand but pulls back every time... I know I should move my hand away from there, as it's obvious he's trying to, well... hold my hand... but something in me stops me from doing so... _It doesn't feel too bad, having his soft fingers touch mine... Though holding hands is something different... _I let out a sigh, _there's no way I can pretend I didn't notice this, can I?_ I look at him, not really knowing what he expects me to do but seems to be lost in thought. His cheeks are now bright red, _he seems so vulnerable now.. and with those red cheeks, how can I not think that he's looking kinda... cute?_

I don't even think about it. I almost do it unconsciously... I slowly move my hand to his one, hesitantly covering his smaller, trembling one with mine. Giving a small squeeze as I feel his hand tense up under mine, trying to tell it's all right I let out a soft sigh. _Just what the hell am I doing?_ I can feel a small blush spreading on my cheeks, I'm confused about this. I don't know why I did that, all I know is that it feels like the right thing to do... it's just that I tried to comfort him... _Well it sure confuses me as hell... But... it doesn't feel wrong or anything... in fact... it feels strangely nice to hold his warm hand... _

Okita, obviously surprised by my sudden action turns his head, looking at me in confusion. But this time it's my turn to blush and look away, _god this is so awkward. I can't even explain why I did this._ He seems to understand I don't really want to talk about and turns his gaze away. I quickly glance at him, seeing him with really red cheeks now but there's something else... his expression changed, it's almost like he's being torn between embarrassment and... happiness?

As both of us don't know what to say it's quiet but not in a bad way this time. Maybe it's because we're holding h-hands... or maybe because it feels a bit like the calm before a storm... After a while of just sitting, thinking about things, Okita finally breaks the silence "A-about your present... I... I've always known you had... you know... a thing for Hijikata-san... so I.. um, kind of made him your p-present..." I raise my eyebrows in surprise, I didn't expected him to say that, it's not like it's a complete lie but it's more complicated than th- wait, how does he knows about it, anyway? I mean I myself don't know for sure what those strange and confusing feelings exactly are... _Damn, he's way too observing for his own good! But what does he mean, he made him my present?_

"What do you mean, Sougo? You made him... into a present? Like you put him in a box with a ribbon on top of it?" I let out a soft chuckle as I try to guess what he means but I'm too confused. Okita lets out a soft laugh, an image of Hijikata wrapped like that is probably filling his mind "No, it's not like that... you should just go and see for yourself" His tone gets serious again "Go to the bath house in the center of Edo, you know the really popular one. There'll be a guard, denying people entry. To get in you just have to say your name and he'll let you pass" Okita explains softly in an embarrassed tone, his cheeks getting dark red again... _Heee~... Ahww, he's so awkward, that little brat... but it's kinda cute you know. __But... why would he go through the trouble of doing all this?_

"I don't know what to say... I guess I should thank you?" I smile lazily as I finally reply after a long pause, not certain how I should respond to this. Okita just replies with a soft "yeah, um, no problem". I slowly let go of his hand, but seeing the sudden hurt expression on his face I regret what I did. I quickly turn myself in my chair so I'm facing him, noticing he tries to look away again. I slowly move my hand to his chin, ignore the confused sound he makes and gently lift his face, forcing him to look me in the eyes. As he finally does I softly thank him again while I give him one of my sweetest smiles. Okita gives a smile back, one so happy it lightens up his whole face, making even his eyes sparkle .

"Ne... Okita... … about something else" I swallow before I continue and see Okita tilting his head a little, wondering what I'm about to say "Well... I've been thinking about what you said... and are you... um.. really... serious?" This time it's my turn to look away as I stare at my knees. There's an awkward silence as Okita doesn't reply. Instead he gently lifts my face, forcing me to look at him this time, surprising me with the resolution that's being reflected in his eyes. He smiles sweetly before he finally answers "Yeah... I think I really do love you, _danna"._

Even thought I already knew it somewhere in the back of my head, I'm still a bit surprised by his confession... how am I supposed to react?... I look in his eyes again and this time I see an almost caressing expression, leaving no doubt about the integrity of his words. _But if he likes me so much... it doesn't makes sense? Why would he do that if...? _"But, if you like me... why would you try to get me together with Hijikata-san?." I ask hesitantly, not knowing if it's all right for me to ask something like this.

Okita doesn't reply but slowly stands up and walks towards me, trapping my gaze with his intense expression. When he stands before me he raises his hand and almost hesitantly touches my cheek with it, stroking it gently with his soft fingers. He gives a sad smile and I'm not sure what to do so I just let him be, not wanting to hurt his feelings by doing something wrong, waiting for when he's ready...

A soft voice, filled with sadness and gentleness fills the air around us "Baka... it's exactly because I like you that I... that I-" he lets out a soft gasp, making my chest ache a little. "Because I really, really like you..." a soft whisper, this time filled with sadness alone breaks the silence.

His fingers start to gently ruffle through my hair, making him smile as he feels the soft silver curls glide through them. Though he's smiling I can see he's hurt... I slowly stand up, making sure not to straddle him. I give him a gentle smile and open my arms for him, wanting to comfort him after seeing such an heart breaking smile. And before I can react I feel two soft, warm arms wrapped around me, hugging me tightly in an almost possessive way. I let out a soft sigh while smiling and move my arms a little just above his back and head, _is it all right to hug him back...?_ But when I notice how much he's trembling, shaking softly all over his body I start to rub his back without a second thought. With my other hand I ruffle gently through his hair while I softly whisper that everything will be all right.

"_Danna no Baka" _a whisper breaks the frail silence between us, the words almost inaudible as the soft whisper is muffled by my shirt... He hides his face in my neck, almost like he's hiding from everything around him that he doesn't want to see... I let hem be, wanting to grant him at least that comfort and when he keeps trembling against me I put my arm around his waist, pulling him closer towards me. He stiffens all over for a moment but almost immediately tightens his grip on me even more, clinging on to me like there won't be a tomorrow... I gently rub his back again while I whisper in a soft voice he doesn't have to tell me if he doesn't want to, earning a little protest from him.

"It's... it's exactly because I like you..."His sweet words are muffled by my shirt as he's still unable to lift his head and a soft gasp makes my heart ache before he continues "It's because... I-I like youso,so much... I want youto be happy... that's enough... just seeing you being happy.. … whether that is with... or w-without me..." A soft gasp fills the air as he clings even harder on to me "You're the only one I care about.. So please, for my sake too; be happy... ... It doesn't have to.. doesn't have to... be me" the soft voice breaks and I hear soft cry, muffled but filled with pain and sadness it almost break my heart. His gentle, selfless yet cruel words pierce right through my heart, _just how sweet is this little brat? Deep deep down he's such a gentle kid... _I hug him one last time, his trembling body tightly pressed against me, embracing him with both arms as I whisper ever so softly _"Thank you... thank you for loving me so much. I'm sorry but you're worthy of someone who loves you too... I'm sorry, I can't answer your feelings... but I promise you'll be the first one I'll turn to... If..."_

My heart almost breaks again when I feel him quiver even more, pretending to ignore the almost unbearable hot breath in my neck... pretending to ignore the hot tears that slowly leak into my shirt, leaving a burning trail of sadness behind... Pretending to not notice it, giving him the time to recover even the slightest bit... So I just hold him quietly, truly grateful to know that there's someone out there that loves me so much as this sweet kid here does...

_So here I am, arms holding on to a shattered glass heart, holding onto a sweet kid whom I just hurt in the worst possible way...  
>Guilt runs through my mind while hot tears slowly burn into my shoulder as soft muffled cries fills the air around me, making me remember me that there are also such sad moments in life...<em>

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><p><em><strong>AN: **Thanks a lot for reading, I hope you liked it :) Well... this turned out to be quite different compared to the other 2 chapters xD _

_I didn't plan this Okita x Gin moment to be this long but it sort of happened... I kept re-writing it till the point of driving myself crazy so I decided to just upload it today :P I still have to think about how I'm gonna write the next chapter, one that connects smoothly on the end of this one... *sweat drop* Please give me some time to think about it :)_

_Also, sorry to all the Hijikata x Gin fans! But don't worry, Hijikata will be in the next chapter :) I'm also sorry if you wanted to read the rest of the smut, somehow I couldn't fit it in here, so maybe next chapter. Again, thanks for reading and feel free to leave a review or to PM me ^^_


	4. How to convince Hijikata

_**A/N: **I'm sorry, again, for the late update. It's been like, 3 weeks since chapter 3? OTL _

_Forgive me, I really wanted to update sooner but I've been awfully busy. I do plan to start on ch5 this weekend to make up for the late update. I have a lot stuff to do but I'll try my hardest. Well that's enough rambling, please enjoy the new chapter :)_

_**Rating: **T/T+ (for implied stuff and cursing)_

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own Gintama nor it's characters :)  
><em>

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><p><em>~ So here I am, arms holding on to a shattered glass heart, <em>

_holding onto a sweet kid whom I just hurt in the worst possible way..._

_Guilt runs through my mind while hot tears slowly burn into my shoulder _

_as soft muffled cries fills the air around me, _

_making me remember me that there are also such sad moments in life... ~_

We just stand there, holding on to each other, silently... like time has stopped for us, not wanting to break the fragile silence. I'm not sure what I should do with all this, the confession, the painful memories of his sweet, cruel words and the awkwardness that will occur once we meet again, but I can't help but hold on to the small trembling body in my arms. I can't help but want to give him at least this fragile moment of warmth... Burning hot tears slowly drench my shoulder and neck as muffled sobs break through the silence around us...

After what feels like an eternity Sougo finally lets go of me, trying to dry his tears with his uniform while he awkwardly looks at his feet. "I'm... I'm sorry _Danna. _I didn't mean to say those things, I didn't mean to tell you... ... it just... just... sort of slipped out.." his voice is so soft it's almost a whisper. Even now this sweet little kid is trying to restore what just shattered, trying to make things less painful for me while he's the one who is in the most pain... I gently ruffle through his hair before I answer in a gentle tone; "Baka... I'm the one who should apologize, not you..."

He closes his eyes for a moment, trying to simply enjoy these lasts moments of simple affections, those precious moments warmth before these will also shatter... when they'll leaving nothing but cold sadness behind...

"Thank you, _Gin-san. _Thank you for listening to me... But I'm fine now.. I really am. So, you should go... Because he needs you... he needs you more then I do..." With a painfully gentle smile he looks up to me while he, for the last time, caresses my cheek. A hint of sadness is reflected in his eyes, betraying his real feelings. I just give a small nod as I get the hint before I slowly start to walk away. Even though it's obvious he wants to be able I'm unable to shake off the feeling I'm just leaving him there... all alone...

_I won't look back. I won't._ But it's so painful not to... I want to, I feel my heart ache at the thought of how he must feel as he sees me walking away.. each step bring me a little closer towards the person he hates the most in the whole world... _I couldn't bear that thought... how is he able to keep on smiling like that?_ I won't look back. But once I'm at the door I whisper my last words before I take a deep breath and take a step forward, a step towards the door, towards the light while leaving him behind here, alone in the darkness... Before I reach the light I softly whisper;

_~ Thank you... I think I also kind of like you... but... it's just not enough... _

_I wish it was, really, but I'm sorry... it's not... ~_

_~ I'm not sure how things will work out with Hijikata-kun_

_but I'll try, I'll try... For my sake but also for yours,_

_I'll give it my all to find happiness, I promise,_

_so promise me you don't you give up on yours either... ~ _

As I walk through the streets of Edo I notice how busy they have become since this morning. Well, it is to be expected since the weather is so nice that a lot of people decide to go outside but still... The sun is fully awake now and the sound of people chatting is relaxing me a little. I keep walking towards the center, my destination being the big Edo bathhouse as Okita told me. I keep on walking but I can't get my mind clear, I keep wondering about stuff...

_What will happen when Hijikata-san sees me? Do I really like him? If I do, just how much?... What if he doesn't even likes me? No wait. If that were so Okita wouldn't set this up... right? But since it's Hijikata we're talking about, who says he'll even admit that he has feelings for me? Is this really a good idea? And... What if... what if I were to choose Okita? I mean it's not like I don't have any feelings for him... but.. … no, no. I think I could say I kind of like him but it's not as strong as for what I feel for Hijikata. But then again, what exactly do I feel for him? And more importantly; what am I gonna do with those feelings?..._

Completely lost in thought I almost walk past the bathhouse. I shake my head a few times, I need to focus on meeting Hijikata-san in a few minutes even though I'm not too sure what I want or what I'll say... A stern looking guy is standing before the entrance of the bathhouse. I swallow and gather all my courage before I walk towards him, trying to convince myself that everything will work out... somehow.

The man looks at me with a hint of curiosity before he asks "are you perhaps Gintoki-sama, a friend of Okita-sama?" _Uhh, why the -sama? I guess Okita has rather loyal underlings who really respect and look up to him... _"Yes I am, Gintoki Sakata at your service. Okita just told me about all this.. ... So, can I go in?" I feel rather uncomfortable as I don't know how much this guy knows. "Of course, Gintoki-sama. I'll guard the entrance for you, nobody else will be allowed to enter this place as long as you're in. Please take your time and enjoy." He turns and opens the door for me, smiling while doing so. I thank him for his service and finally enter the bathhouse...

As I walk towards the changing room I feel my heart pounding as crazy, just knowing that Hijikata-kun and I will meet in a few more minutes is enough to make me feel all nervous. _Just what am I, a sixteen year old school girl with a secret crush? Get yourself together Gin-san!_ I let out a tired sigh, I still don't know what to do nor what I actually expect from all this. It's not like I'm planning on confessing that I have feelings for him as soon as we meet... but what am I gonna say then? I'm finally admitting that I do have some feelings for him (I'm finally past the denial stage) but I'm not too sure yet what I feel and what I actually want to do with those feelings..

_Do I want to have a relationship with him?... Is it all right to think he also feels something for me? Judged on his actions this morning he probably has some kind of feelings for me... but... but how strong are those?... On the other side, what will I do if he rejects me? And what will I do if he doesn't?.. Uggh, Why is this all so complicated?_

_Okay relax Gin-san. What if you were to get into a relationship. What would be the first thing that you would do? Oh yeah, hiding that fact from those 2. It's not like I can tell those 2 brats "Guess what, Hijikata-kun and Gin-san are in a relation now, isn't that nice, ehehehe?" China brat will probably smack me so hard on the head I won't even be able to see Shinpachi's reaction... Sigh. Well I can't blame her if she were to react like that; I have to admit; it's a crazy story. Me and Mayora. It's not like we were even friends before all this shitty feelings-got-in-the-way stuff happened. We were more like... enemies? No, that's also not exactly true. There were those times I helped him and oh, that one time when he- wait a moment. Stop thinking about useless stuff! You're forgetting the main point Gin-san, again._

_Back to the problem; Am I really ready for all this?... Even If I were ready for the reactions others will give, íf we were to get into a relationship, would be we even be able to work things out? Up till now, all we've done is harass each other from time to time and fight. Do we even match? Hell no. But... He isn't thát different from me sometimes... I guess that could work out in the end? But what abou- Okay. Forget it. This is just plain stupidity! Get yourself together Gin-san. It's not like things will change if you keep thinking about them. Things will only happen if you do something about it so just go now, gó and see what'll happen. What you're gonna say to others and worries about relationships is something you'll only have to worry about áfter you've spoken with Hijikata-kun and both of you like each other..._

I bang my head against the wall, _uggh,_ I really sound like a stupid teenager in love, I'm almost disgusted at myself. I feel a little embarrassed, getting all nervous like that just from thinking about Hijikata-kun! I let out a grumble, _damn_, all that worrying is giving me a headache.

I shake my head a few times, trying to shake off those useless thoughts. Stupid Mayora, screwing with my head even when he's not here. Damn, all I've been thinking about all day is him! I begin to quickly undress myself, wanting to distract myself from the endless worries. When I'm done I hastily wrap a towel around my hips and slap myself on the cheeks, trying to encourage myself a little before walking to the baths._ I guess it can't be helped now, I'll just see how things will go and hope that he won't reject me... as for what'll happen after that... I'll worry about that later. Just relax Gin-san, you can do it... probably._

After finally calming down a little I realize I don't even know which bath he'll be in. _Great, now where do I start? There are a lot different rooms, which one is the right one? _Walking towards the first room I see I make sure to be as silent as possible, just in case he'll be in this one. As I slowly get closer I feel my heart pounding a lot quicker than normal, _just why am I so nervous? What am I expecting from doing all this?... _When I finally reach the room I quickly scan the different baths inside of it and to my surprise I immediately spot him. _Must be a lucky shot to find him in the first room! But... what should I do now? He's sitting with his back towards me so he probably hasn't noticed me yet. I know that bath is the one with a underwater bank build in it... so... maybe I should just sit next to him, and talk to him, nonchalantly?... Ughh, why is this so hard? Well it's not like I have an other option so I'll just go to him..._

I slowly begin to walk towards him, trying not to make any sound. _Maybe.. maybe I shouldn't do this... It's not too late turn back now and leave... ... No. No, I can't do that. I promised myself that I wouldn't run away anymore. And I promised Okita that I would try my hardest... So I have to see this through to the end. _My heart is almost exploding now, I still have no idea what to do when he'll finally notice me. When I'm standing almost next to him I quickly glance at him and to my surprise I notice he has his eyes closed,_ Wait, what? Is he... sleeping? Did I worry like crazy only to find him slééping? _

Looking again I now notice that his cheeks are a bit flustered, probably from sitting a long time in the warm water. I slowly move closer to him, praying really hard that he won't wake up now, it would be beyond awkward. Standing close at the edge of the bath I closely observe him again, _good, he's still sleeping. But now what. I can't just stay here and do nothing the entire time. Maybe... maybe I should sit next to him? After all, this ís a bath... so it wouldn't be that strange to go in, right?_

I slowly take a step into the warm water, trying to make the water move as less as possible. After all, I'm still not sure if I'm ready to talk with him, if he were to wake up now... After a while I'm finally sitting in the bath with a normal distance between us. The water is indeed rather warm as I expected, that would explain the flustered cheeks he has.

Being the nervous wreck I am, I just sit next to him while trying to relax myself a little. I try to enjoy the bath, being here is like bathing in luxury. The bath house is well known for it's luxury and this bath seems to have different jacuzzi functions, (big bubbles, small ones, colored ones, different kinds of soap etc), there's an underwater bank that sits extremely comfortable, the complete bath is being heated so it's comfortable to lean with your back on and a lot other nice things. Not that it matters, I barely notice all that as I'm lost in my worries. I close my eyes, getting a slight headache from all this. Every time I'm reminded that I'm sitting next to Hijikata-kun I feel my heart beating a little too fast and a nervous feeling runs through my stomach... I let out a soft groan, there's no way I can relax in a situation like this!

I slowly open my eyes and turn a little towards Hijikata-san so I can have a better look, noticing he hasn't moved at all since I last saw him. Unable to stop myself I just keep looking at him, it's quite a rare opportunity to be able to look at him without getting a glare back... Even though I feel a bit like I'm doing something I shouldn't I just keep on looking, he's so... _entrancing..._

Seeing him without shirt also makes me notice he's rather muscular. It's not like you don't see it when he wears his uniform but only now I realize he seems rather tough. W_ell, yeah... I_ _guess that chasing after wanted men on a daily basis is quite a harsh workout... Good work, keeping him in shape like this, Zura!_

There's something special, almost pleasurable seeing him peacefully asleep like this. After all; seeing him in a vulnerable state with his guard completely down is something I've never seen before. His sleeping face is really different from his usual tense one. He seems a lot more relaxed, the usually stern expression has made place for a neutral, almost happy one... As I keep watching I suddenly realize that it's not enough to just watch him like this.

_I... want to see more.. not just this expressions but all of them. The sad ones... the happy ones... the insecure ones... I want to know all of them. I want to know how he looks when he's feeling comfortable, when he's embarrassed, when he's curious, when he's shy, when he's feeling down... ... I want to see them... But above all; I want to see him with that special look in his eyes, a soft blush on his cheeks and the gentle expression he'll only show towards his special person. And I want that to be me... I don't want him to look gently towards others, just to me... just me. Can't it be me?..._

Lost in thought and realization I don't notice Hijikata-kun is moving a little, nor do I notice the fact that he's softly whispering something. Only after he lets out a soft moan I wake up from my thoughts, feeling a little confused at my sudden possesiveness, thinking about that I want him to be mine. _I guess that means that I.. I.. really do like him... Wait, what was that? eehh?~ No I must have heard that wrong... I mean, was that... no way... a moan?_

Hijikata-kun keeps whispering things but I can't hear what he's saying because I'm too far away. As he keeps talking it makes me really curious, what could he be saying? I slowly move a little closer towards him, noticing that our heads are just a few inches apart now... _So close... Arrgh, stupid Gin-san! This is not the moment to be worrying about that, focus!_ I quickly shake off the light embarrassment as I'm finally close enough to be able to hear what he's saying;

"_Nggh.. … .. aahh~... d-don't... … nghhh! Don't... … aaahh~ nhh.. ... so.. good... .. ne~.. … Aaahhn!.."_

Once I realize what he's saying I feel my cheeks burning, just what does this mean? Is he.. … no way... It can''t be. It's just impossible. Impossible! But.. ... Doesn't this sound like Hijikata-kun is dreaming about, well.. .. _that_? About doing _perverted_ things?... Confused to hear Hijikata-kun say (or rather_ moan_) these things I'm unable to do anything, I'm stunned. I'm not sure if I should leave to give him some privacy or if it's better to wake him up... though that would be awkward and I'll probably be too confused to have a normal conversation with him... Just when I'm almost standing, deciding it's better that I'll leave him be I hear his soft voice again, freezing me on the spot;

"_Ahh~... nhh.. ngg... … feels so... … ahhhn~ … .. h-h-harder.. …. ngg... .. mean!... … …. p.. .. p-please?.. .. ... nghh! … .. m-more... .. …. m-more.. .. please?... ..."_

_Damn, damn damn damn damn it! Just who am I trying to fool here? There's no way I can resist a sleeping, moaning, flustered, hell, bégging Hijikata-kun!_ I sit down again, this time almost too close to him. I feel my cheeks burning, just how am I supposed to ignore this once in a lifetime opportunity? I notice I'm panting softly as I move a little closer, damn this is getting really hard for me to ignore... He looks so tempting... _No, no..! I can't ravish him in his sleep, that's illegal for gods sake! But it's his fault for moaning like that... I mean he's even begging, the demonic vice-commander is bégging right before my eyes. It sounds so sexy, just hearing it is turning me on.. There's a limit to Gin-san's restraint!_

I move a little closer to him, my face only a few inches away from his now. I can slightly feel his hot breath ghosting over my lips, making my mind go crazy. _Ahh, no, this... I shouldn't.. ... too much.. ..__I shouldn't do this... kissing a sleeping Hijikata-kun isn't right! But... .. I want to do it so much, he's so close.. so tempting... _Gathering every bit of self-control I have I lean back a little, knowing I should stay away from those tempting lips. Taking in a deep breath of air I try to clear my mind a little, trying só hard not to give in... when I hear those words;

"_Nghh... .. aah!.. … … yes... .. s-so good.. … .. nhhh~ … .. .. … please.. … ne~ .. Gin-san!~.."_

When I hear him moaning, moaning my _name_, everything simply goes blank. My self-control shatters into thousand pieces and before I know it I lean in closer, wanting to close the remaining distance between us. Withoyut thinking I put a hand behind his head, pulling him a little closer towards me and let out a soft groan as I can almost feel his lips on mine. I part my lips a little and before I realize what I'm actually doing I press them softly on his...

My mind turns completely white as soon as I touch his almost burning hot yet soft lips. An unknown feeling runs through my stomach and I'm having trouble to remember how to breath... I silently moan in the kiss, _it feels so, só good... _

_I never expected to feel so much just from a kiss but this is mind blowing! It makes my hart ache a little, I feel extremely blissful but somehow the sweetness almost makes me want to cry. His hot breath is overwhelming, setting my mind on fire as those soft lips make my senses go numb... I never felt so blissful, nostalgic or sad at the same time. It feels so good, the kiss is so sweet it's almost painful... my heart feels like it's bursting from this unknown feeling... it's almost scaring me, all those mixed feelings... but I've also never felt this safe, like a gently and bright light is warming up my heart... It makes me feel like crying, makes me want to shed hot, almost burning tears because of this bittersweet kiss..._

I can feel Hijikata tensing up a little in my embrace but he relaxes quickly, leaning slightly into my awkward hug. For a while he just seems to wait, silently accepting my kiss as his soft lips are pressing ever so lightly on mine... A soft little cute moan is being heard as I gently deepen the kiss a little, sending a jolt of happiness towards me...

His warm hand suddenly touches my cheek softly, gently caressing the soft skin it feels. He turns his head a little and presses those sinfully soft lips a little harder on mine, moaning ever so softly as he does...

_I never could have imagined that he could act so cute and lovely... it should be illegal to be this alluring... I just can't seem to get enough of him, I want to stay like this forever.. just the two of us in our own little world of bright blissful sweetness. _I moan a little as Hijikata adds a little more pressure again, he slowly seems to lose himself in this almost painfully sweet kiss...

After what feels an eternity I finally pull back, as slowly as possible.. I really didn't want it to end but I had to, the kiss was getting so mind blowing I had trouble remembering how to breath again... Hijikata also pulls back a little as I -reluctantly- let go of his soft hair, _just how did my hand end up there again?... I don't even remember when I closed my eyes... _I feel a soft blush spreading on my cheeks, it's rather embarrassing to admit to myself that this kiss had so much impact on me. I mean it was absolutely mind blowing but it's rather awkward to think it moved me só much... As shame slowly takes over my mind I look down, fidgeting a little with my fingers. Hijikata seems to finally wake up from his own trance as he softly scratches his throat a few times. An awkward silence fills the space between us as neither of us know what to say. _What should I do?.. It's not normal to wake up from someone kissing you, is it? Just how am I gonna explain this? I don't even know for myself why I did it... Should I... just tell him about my feelings?..._

Finally, after a few minutes but what felt like hours, Hijikata breaks the awkward and tense silence; "S-so... ehhm... .. what a-are you doing here?... and... … ehh... .. why were you.. well... .. you know... .. doing _that.._?" his soft voice makes clear he's as confused and embarrassed as I am, well I can't blame him. I let out an awkward laugh while scratching the back of my head, just what am I gonna tell him? "I.. umm.. .. I don't really know to be honest... it's just that.. .. I kind of wanted to apologize for this morning you know?... .." I scratch my throat as I'm starting to feel really nervous, _god this is so awkward! _"I just... wanted to tell you that I'm not.. .. it wasn't a joke... .. so... I think I want to talk about it?..."

Hijikata looks at me, surprised to hear those words. He probably expected me to say something like "I'm just here to have some fun with you" so this must be a real shock to him... A blush is spreading on my cheeks again, _why won't he say anything? It's making me nervous as hell! Just... say something..._

I can hear him taking in a deep breath before he finally replies; "Are you... do you really mean that...?" I just give him a small nod, still looking down as I'm too embarrassed to look at him "Really?... because.. .. well... I.. … IthinkIkindoflikeyoualittle... so... don't you dare to say this was a joke too... I won't forgive you if you do... I'll make you commit seppuku then!" Even though he's making a threat his voice shakes a little, revealing his true feelings behind those words..; _~please... don't let this be a lie... I don't want it to be... please say you really mean it this time...~ _Those thoughts, the true meaning behind those harsh words are so sweet yet so sad, they take my breath away. When I finally look at him I see that his cheeks are bright red and he stares down, awkwardly biting on his underlip while doing so...

_This is bad... my heart is pounding so hard right now... I'm so happy, só happy just to hear those words... I think I'm gonna go crazy from all these feelings but it's not enough.. just a little more... more... _"No, I sweat that I mean it. I'm not joking around, I promise". A suspicious glare is being sent to me before he looks away again, I guess he's still not fully convinced... Without thinking I place my hand on his head again, gently caressing his soft hair while I wrap the other around his waist, slowly pulling him closer. Surprised by my sudden action Hijikata doesn't resist and even puts his arms around me too. I pull him closer, as close towards me as I can without hurting him before I softly whisper in his ear;

_~I'm really serious... I like you Hijikata, I like you a lot..._

_Whenever I look at you I get this strange, almost happy feeling in my stomach,_

_when I'm with you my mind goes blank and I don't know what to do or say,_

_I've been yours all this time, I just didn't knew or wanted to admit it _

_not to you, to myself or anyone else..._

_but the truth is, my dear Hijikata,_

_I really, really like you... ~  
><em>

I can feel Hijikata's soft, burning cheeks against my own and a soft gasp gently breaks the silence between us. Hijikata doesn't reply, not knowing what to say after hearing those sweet, sweet words. He just clings onto me, his face buried in my neck as he's too embarrassed to look at me. I tenderly caress his hair and after a while I hear a soft voice; "Really..? Do you really mean that?.." I let out a soft light chuckle before I reply;

"Yeah... yeah I really mean that... I like you. _I like the way you smile, when you're laughing or when you're smiling a sad smile. I like how you look when you're getting serious in a fight... The way you're capable of leading the people in the Shinsengumi all on your own... The way you respect the old samurai code like few people do... The way you're always trying to help the people in Edo.. the way you fight, how you look when you're sleeping... you're embarrassed and flushed face, the way you sound when you're getting annoyed.. The way you look when you've captured a criminal, how you look when you're tired, the way you protect the other Shinsengumi members by never losing your calm... even when you actually want to break down, you keep up the facade to give them hope... The way you looked at me just a few moments.. I like all of it... so please don't ever think I'm not being serious about you again, okay?" _

I place a soft kiss at the top of his head while I continue to caress his hair and back, patiently waiting for a reply. His fingers are holding on to me really tight, almost in a possessive way... "Y-you idiot... how can even say those embarrassing things? I'm almost dying of shame here, you baka..." I let out a soft chuckle, well it's true it's rather awkward to say those things aloud, especially since I only recently admitted to myself I really like him but still, it felt good to say it. A whisper interrupt my thoughts, it's so soft I almost can't hear it... 

"_M-me too... I.. .. I-I also like you.."  
><em>

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><p><em><strong>AN: **Ahww~ Who knew Hijikata could be rather cute? Well that was rather hard chapter to write... it's quite difficult to write fluff.  
>Even so I hope all Gintoki x Hijikata fans liked this chapter :) For those who are waiting for smut, I'll continue it in the next chapter.<em>


	5. How to confess to Gintoki

**A/N: **_Wow, I can't believe I'm updating so fast! I hope you'll enjoy the new chapter, please forgive me if the smut is a little awkward. I don't really know how that stuff goes so I have to do with info from other fanfictions and my imagination... Well, enough about that, here's chapter 5 :)_

**Rating: **_T+ or M, kinda depends on you I guess. (Smut, swearing and dirty talking)_

**Disclaimer: **_ I do not own Gintama, nor it's characters  
><em>

* * *

><p>~~ <em>I could feel his dirty talking going straight into my cock as I feel it ache with so much need that I feel I could almost cum,<br>__just from the thought of what could happen...  
><em>_I breath deeply in and out a few times before I hesitantly move my head down, __closer to his pants...  
><em>_Blushing madly and feeling really embarrassed that I'm going to do this I move my head even closer,  
>feeling a little anxious but also extremely turned on... ~~<em>

I'm ashamed of myself. I really am. For gods sake, I'm the demonic-vice commander! I shouldn't even consider doing this. And still... here I am; kneeling down for a lazy, good-for-nothing guy who caught me when I was... .. p-playing with myself...

Shit, just thinking about it makes me so ashamed I want to disappear! And the worst thing of all is; somewhere, in the back of my head I know I'm actually kinda enjoying this... _Just what the hell is wrong with me? Am I really that much of a masochist? This isn't even funny anymore!_

Losing myself in worries, I don't notice Gintoki growing a little impatient. Only when I feel his hand on the back of head I snap out of it, feeling a little guilty about leaving him in anticipation. _Wait. What? Why the hell should I feel sorry for letting that pervert wait?_ I mentally shake my head, _this isn't the time to worry about that._ I softly mumble an apology, _why did I do that? There's something wrong with me!,_ and the hand affectionately ruffles through my hair, telling me it's all right. I take a deep breath, _am I __really gonna do this?_ before I hesitantly put my hands on his hips. I wait a moment, mentally preparing for thát...

Gintoki's hand gently pushes me a little closer, encouraging me but suddenly let's go, wanting me to do the rest. With my hands on his hips I gently pull him a little closer while I move my head a little. I feel my cheeks burning, this feels so wróng! ~_You shouldn't lie to yourself like that... you actually want to do it, ne? You're actually getting aroused from the thought of sucking him off... why not just admit it to yourself?~ _W-what? Shut up, you're completely wrong!_ ~Oh really? Then why are you hard... and why is your heart beating so fast?...~_ Knowing I can't deny those facts I simply ignore the soft voice in my head; promising myself that I'm nót gonna enjoy it. No way.

I hear a soft groan of frustration and quickly close the remaining distance, blushing like mad. I tilt my head a little, _just how am I supposed to find the zipper? I'm too close to actually see it..._ Shyly I look up to Gintoki who let's out a tortured grunt. I hesitantly open my mouth and push my tongue a little forward, trying to find the zipper with my tongue. When I finally find it I try to pull it down with my teeth, _god this is beyond embarrassing, why couldn't I just use my hands?_ When the cursed zipper is finally down I let go and quickly pull back. Relief washes through me but quickly fades as I realize everything just starts now.

"Ahh, I'm proud of you, I knew you could do it" his gentle words make me a little confused, _why am I getting confused when he praises me like that? _"Well then, because you did so well, you may use your hands to do the rest". I mentally let out a sigh of relief, I was really worried how I should've pulled down his pants otherwise. As response I just nod, too embarrassed to say something... _like hell I'll thank him for allowing something like that!_ As he stares at me I get the hint and start to undress him further. First his black shoes and finally his pants. I swallow a few times before I -with trembling fingers- start to pull down his boxer. I quickly look up to check if everything is all right and see Gintoki smiling sweetly at me, patiently waiting. I look down again, not knowing how to react when he smiles like that.

When I pull his boxer down I see his -already hard- cock twitching a little because of the temperature change. Without further thinking, _it would only make things more difficult, _I carefully wrap my hand around it, trying not to hold it too tightly. I'm surprised by how strange, yet familiar it feels; almost like my own... It's a little bigger than mine and it's warmer but it's really not that different from jerking myself off... At least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself.

_I have no idea what I should do, I guess I should just do what I like myself?_ Experimentally I move my hand a few times, earning a soft moan from Gintoki. I try adding a little more pressure, trying to find a nice rhythm. My cheeks are slowly burning while doing such an embarrassing act, it feels so strange to do this...

After pumping the cock with my hand a few times I slowly rub the tip, spreading the small bead of pre-cum over his shaft. The white stuff is sticking on my hands and I look at it in curiosity, it's a little different from mine yet it seems so familiar. Almost in a trance I let go of his cock, just looking at my hand. The pre-cum is spread over my fingers, the sight is strangely appealing... I have -once- tasted my own cum; it wasn't _that_ bad to be honest... _I wonder.. how this... .. _ _I.. I-I kind of want to...  
><em>Without really thinking about it I bring the hand to my mouth and slowly suck on a finger, moaning a little as I do. I'm surprised when I taste the slightly familiar substance, it tastes a little strange with the unfamiliar sweet after taste but I think I kind of like it... To be honest, the taste even arouses me a little. I feel my cock twitching a little, _this is really bad, getting turned on from the taste of his cum... that's just so wrong, I know!... Yet I can't help it..._

Thinking about the odd yet to be _expected_ sweet taste I don't notice how eagerly I'm sucking my fingers until I hear a teasingly husky voice; "Ohh, to think that my cute little demonic-vice commander is actually such a lewd person~ Did you really want to taste my cum so badly?~ Ne.. do you like the taste? I think so... seeing how eagerly you're sucking your fingers, lewdly licking them till there's nothing left..." A dark chuckle rings through the air "Since you like the taste so much... wanna taste the real thing now, Oogushi-kun?"

I quickly pull the fingers out of my mouth, _this is so embarrassing... but... shit, I hate to admit it but he's right, I'm really shameless to do this kind of thing. And to even enjoy it... There must be something wrong with me.. _"Well? Do you want to, Oogushi-kun? Tell me.. do you want it?" Hearing his threatening tone I snap out of it again. A new blush spreads on my cheeks as I softly whisper "I... I want to.. .." A devilish chuckle makes me blush even more "Ohh~ I'm afraid I can't hear you, you should say it again... but this time a little louder, okay?" Gintoki orders in a teasing yet serious manner "I said... I-I.. I want to!" "Ahhh, now I heard you... But tell me, what exactly do you want?" again with that teasing tone of him he orders me to say those embarrassing things.. "..Y-your.. ..I-I want to _suckyourcock_.." I quickly whisper the last words, flustered to say them aloud. His hand ruffles through my hair again as response, telling me I should make my words come true.

Without looking at him I shyly move my head a little closer, wrapping my hand around his hard cock again. I give a few strokes before I open my mouth a little, breathing a little on the tip. When I don't put it in my mouth I hear a frustrated groan, pushing me to take some action. I softly lick the tip a few times, twirling my tongue around it while moving my hand a few times... _this is so humiliating, sucking off another guys cock.. but shit, even though I feel like a cheap slut I can't say I hate it... the sweet taste is even stronger now, it's strangely tasty.. _I give a last, strong lick before I hesitantly open my mouth, again, and take the tip into my mouth. A strange mix of arousal and embarrassment take over my mind for a second but I shake off the feeling, concentrating on what I must do. I experimentally suck a little on it, earning more moans before I continue. Using my tongue to twirl around it earns me another groan, I think it's good what I'm doing? I slowly try to take more into my mouth while moving I continue to jerk him off, _is he really feeling good because of me?... _

"Nggh.. ... suck a little harder... .. aaahh~ yeah, just like that... You're so good at this, even though it's your first time... Do you like it? Do you like it to have my cock in your mouth, to suck on it and taste my cum? Ne~?" His husky voice turns me on even more, _damn him and his dirty talking... does he know I have a thing for it? _In response I just nod obediently while letting out a soft moan, trying to please him more. "Aaaahh~ So good... again, moan for me my little slutty demonic-vice-commander" Embarrassed I let out another moan while I bob my head a little, earning another moan from Gintoki. I feel my cock getting wet with pre-cum, his dirty talking is turning me on so much..

I'm now almost enthusiastically licking the warm flesh while sucking on it, slowly losing my shame as I try to take more in my mouth. It's almost fully in when I bob my head faster while moaning again, knowing he likes it when I make those lewd sounds... After a while I pull my head back so only the tip remains in my mouth. I lick the slit a few times while quickly pumping the shaft with my hand, taking a little break from all the sucking. After a few pumps I feel his hand on my head again, pushing me a litte. I get the hint and let go with my hand, trying to relax my throat as he pushes his cock further in my mouth; it's fully in now. I groan softly when he starts to move slowly, it's hard to keep up with. After a few thrusts he notices I'm getting used to it and speeds up a little, grabbing my hair as he does. I let out another moan, it's strangely arousing to have someone pull your hair... The thought of him fucking my mouth like this turns me on a little, my cock is aching almost painfully with need... I'm so turned on now I don't really care what happens, as long as it brings me pleasure.. I feel my cock twitching really hard now, hell, I can feel it dripping with all my pre-cum! Almost unconsciously I move my free hand towards my pants, wanting to jerk off so badly...

Suddenly Gintoki stops thrusting and moves his cock out of my mouth. He looks down on me and smirks teasingly; "Nhh~? How shameful Oogushi-kun, are you feeling it so much from giving someone a blow job that you want to cum?.. Even though it's your first time? Neee~ tell me, do you want to cum like this; my hard cock thrusting in your slutty mouth while you're touching yourself, moaning and begging for my cum? Are you moaning so lecherous because you want me to fuck your tight little ass, just like I'm fucking your mouth now?... Are you enjoying sucking me off like because you're finally discovering the cock needing slut deep down in you?... Tell me; do you want it? Do you want me to cum in your mouth, do you want my cum? Tell me or I won't let you cum anytime soon..." _Fuck, his dirty talking is too much... I feel like I'll cum in my pants if he keeps talking like this!_

"Y-yeah.. I... .. I'm turned on.. b-because I'm sucking your c-cock... .. I-I want... I want y-your cum... I-I want your cum while you're f-fucking my s-slutty mouth.." I hate how much this dirty talking is turning me on, how he forces me to say those embarrassing things... But I want, no, I need to cum so badly, I don't care what I have to do anymore... "If you want to release you'll have to make me come first... and of course you'll have to drink every last drop of it" A devilish grin spreads on his face while I feel my cheeks burning, I never thought that far ahead... about having to... swallow... I shake my head, I'm not giving up now, not after doing all those... things..

Without thinking further I take his hard cock in my mouth again, sucking and moaning without any shame. All I want is for him to cum and then finally release myself, _aaah~ getting sweet blissful release..._ Gintoki let's out a moan, moving my head even faster with his hand. I taste more pre-cum and after a few more thrusts he groans "I-I'm cumming.. drink all of it, my little slut... aahh~!" His cock gets even bigger, making it really hard to have all of it in my mouth but finally; his hot cum shoots in my throat. Gintoki pulls out of my mouth and lets out a final groan. Meanwhile I try to swallow all of the hot cum, not wanting to spill something and risk not being allowed to cum myself. Just when I'm about to swallow I feel a hand pulling my chin up, forcing me to look into his lust clouded eyes.

"Open your mouth. Don't spill anything or you'll be punished so bad you won't even remember your own name; I'll make you scream from sheer pain and pleasure until you're completely broken.. Till you're a mess, begging just for more.. If you don't want that I recommend you savior my precious little gift~" Gintoki warns me in a stern voice while smirking devilishly. I slowly open my mouth, desperately trying not to spill anything but it's too much... I feel a little bit dripping down my chin, _no, noo, I don't want to be punished.._. _I don't want to be tortured like that, please , I just want to__ cum..._ Just when I'm about to stop it Gintoki himself wipes it off, looking a little angry now. He's silent for a moment before he says "That's enough, you can swallow it now. Make sure you enjoy it~" I obediently close my mouth and swallow. I shamefully have to admit that I kind of enjoy the now familiar sweet taste and let out a shameful moan, _I really am a cum whore, enjoying his cum so much.._.

"Here, lick off. You almost spilled it, that would be such a shame ne? A cum hungry slut like you wouldn't like to spill this precious cum, right~?" Gintoki holds out his cum covered finger and I quickly begin to lick off it off, with each lick I feel myself getting more impatient, I want to cum so badly.. And then I suddenly realize it; I must look like some cheap skank, sucking off cum from a guys finger and enjoying it... _just how low can I sink? Getting off so much just from licking his finger... but... aahh~ it feels nice... _I let out a soft whimper when he pulls his finger back, slightly missing the feeling."Good, I expected nothing less of you, my slutty Oogushi-kun. Now, since you did what I said I think I should reward you. Stand up and don't do anything, just wait." I mentally let out a relieved sigh, finally I'll get my release...

I quickly stand up and immediately I feel his lips ravishing my sensitive spot behind my ear, his hands are already undoing my pants and massaging my butt. I'm overwhelmed by the pleasure he's giving me,_ it feels so good!_ His lips curl into a smirk and suddenly I feel them pressing on mine... Unable to think I just kiss back, quickly losing the battle of dominance when he deepens the kiss. It's a passionate, with lust filled kiss and as soon as it came it's over, leaving me dazed and panting when he pulls back.  
>While trying to catch my breath Gintoki finally frees my aching cock. His soft, almost teasing touches make my painfully aroused cock ache with a need I never felt before, making it leak with pre-cum. When he gives a firm stroke I finally lose it, <em>Ohhh god, this is so good... more, more..! <em>I throw my head back in sheer pleasure as he starts to pump and let out a sultry moan, I can't help myself anymore, I need him, I wánt him...  
>When I feel something wet circling against my entrance I tense up a little, unfamiliar with the feeling. As Gintoki notices it he whispers that everything is all right and that I just have to trust him. I slowly relax and I feel something entering me... it feels a little strange but it doesn't hurt, it's just a little uncomfortable. The finger slowly moves in a little deeper, causing me to tense up again.<p>

"Nggh.. … .. aahh~ .. d-don't... … nghhh! Don't... … aaahh~ nhh.. …" Gintoki continues to pleasure my aching cock and in combination with his finger it feels strange but... pleasurable. After I relax again he slowly adds a second one, stretching my insides more. I let out a hiss, it feels rather uncomfortable now. He continues to push the second finger in deeper, moving it with the first one. When they're fully in I suddenly see a flash of white, pleasure takes over my mind and I let out a loud moan "So.. good... .. ne~.. … Aaahhn!.." Gintoki grins while he strokes my cock a little faster and I feel myself clamping down on the fingers, wanting to increase the tightness even more. As they bump against thát place I almost lose myself. My head gets hazy, clouded with sheer lust...

"Ahhh~... .. feels so ... .. ngggh~ … ahhn, ahhh!"

I faintly hear Gintoki chuckling, who's clearly enjoying my lewd reactions. I know I should be embarrassed but I'm too focused on getting my release; there's no room for shame... When he pulls his fingers back a little I unconsciously move my hips down, earning another pleased chuckle.

"Such a lewd expression, are you tempting me? You look like you're begging me to fuck you until all you can do is scream with pleasure, you like like you want nothing more than my hard cock pounding into this loose hole, completely filling up your slutty ass. You know, _Oogushi-kun_, you're such a whore.. this is your first time getting fingered and yet you're moaning like crazy, just how sluttish are you?" While talking, his hand is teasingly slow pumping my dick,_ oh, ngghh~ it's feels soooo good.. so good but I need more.. it's just not enough.. more... I need more... more..._

"h-h-harder.. ngghh~" Suddenly his all movements stop, causing me to whimper softly. "Don't you tell me what to do, remember who's in charge here. Just because I'm making you feel good doesn't mean you can order me around. Do it again and I'll torture you till can't think straight anymore." A sadistic smirk appears on his face again before he continues "If you want more... you should try begging for it."

".. … m-mean!" _I don't want to... but shit, this is driving me crazy! I want to feel those fingers inside me, hitting that place till I can't think anymore! _His sinful hand slowly rubs against my slit and massages the rest of my shaft teasingly, drawing shameless moans from my lips. His other hand is still slowly pulling out, causing me to wriggle with my hips, trying to get those fingers back in. _Don't... __more... I need more... aahh~ _Finally I give in, softly begging "… p.. .. p-please?.. .. ... nghh! … .. m-more... .. …. m-more.. .. please?..."

"Yes, that's more like it. Moan for me, moan while I'm finger fucking your slutty ass... But still, to enjoy getting fingered for the first time so much; it's really shameful. You were even moving your hips when I tried to pull them out, talk about shameful!" _Oh god, that dirty talking is so.. so.. sexy..._ "I-I'm sorry.. but... please, I want you to f-fuck me with your fingers, please! Please fuck me so hard I'll scream out of extacy... I want it so badly..." Before I can even react Gintoki roughly slams his fingers back inside, hitting thát place dead on. I throw my head back in sheer pleasure, completely losing it when he starts pumping my cock again

"_"Nghh... .. aah!.. … … yes... .. s-so good.. … ... nhhh~ … .. .. … please.. … ne~ .. Gin-san!~.." _

While calling out his name I finally cum, feeling my walls desperately clamping down on his fingers while I shoot my cum over his hand. I'm panting, my mind blank and feeling blissful from cumming so hard. I suddenly feel a warm hand on the back of my head,_ is it_ _Gintoki? no... I__t feels different from before?.._ A moment later I'm unable to think as I feel soft, burning lips pressing ever so lightly on mine...

_It feels like Gintoki is kissing me again... but something is different... His lips are softer... They're also warmer.. They feel more… real? _Somewhere in the back of my mind I hear a soft moan and it's warm around me, almost like I'm being hugged... Unconsciously I lean towards the warmth, _it feels nice..._ As I feel Gintoki _-I guess it's him-_ deepening the kiss a little I softly moan. _More.. more... Embrace me, hold me tightly... This warmth, it's so gentle and soothing~ _I unconsciously reach out to him, wanting to touch him, feel him closer... when I feel his soft cheek I feel a small jolt of happiness. Loving the soft skin under my fingers I affectionately caress it while kissing him a little more passionately. Slowly losing myself in the sweet warmth of the kiss, the embrace, his soft lips, everything; I feel blissful. I feel extremely happy, blissful and somehow slightly nostalgic... my heart is almost bursting from all the strange feelings...

When Gintoki slowly pulls back from me I feel like I'm fainting, the world spins around me. It feels like I'm going through an invisible wall, only after I'm "through it" the spinning stops. After taking a deep breath I feel slightly better, yet somehow different... I notice that I'm sitting and for some reason my legs feel wet... I slowly open my eyes, blinking a few times before I'm awake enough to notice him. _No. No... No, no way. Noooo way. Noooo f-ing way! What the fuck is Gintoki, I mean the REAL one, doing here? Why is he looking so guilty? Why is he fidgeting with his fingers? Why won't he even look at m- Oh No. Noooo no no. This isn't happening! Calm down, this can't be real... .. Shit, __does that me that he just kissed me? It wasn't just my sick and twisted wet dream? Just why would he do that?.. Okay, calm down. Ask him what happened, don't jump to conclusions. Just... calm down._ I scratch my throat a few times before I break the awkward silence, still unsure what exactly happened.

"S-so... ehhm... .. what a-are you doing here?... and... … ehh... .. why were you.. well... .. you know... .. doing that..?" Hearing his answer surprises me, he actually came here to apologize for this morning? I thought he would just joke about it and act like it was nothing... _Perhaps?.. is it... strange to think that maybe, just maybe... he also l- I mentally shake my head, I can't just go and guess his feelings. If I want to know what he feels I should ask him..._

I take a deep breath before I hesitantly ask; "Are you... do you really mean that...?" I look closely at his face, seeing him looking rather embarrassed as he just nods a little, he doesn't even look me straight in the eye! And I can't help it, after seeing him like that my hearts starts beating a little too fast... My cheeks are getting too warm and a hopeful feeling spreads through my chest. _W__hat if... what if he feels that way? I'm happy, so happy just from the thought of it... But what if he isn't serious? I wouldn't survive such an humiliation... But then again, if I'm not honest about my feelings, how can I expect him to be? Okay, relax and just say it..._

"Really?... because.. .. well... I.. … IthinkIkindoflikeyoualittle... so... don't you dare to say this was a joke too... I won't forgive you if you do... I'll make you commit seppuku then!"

_Oh god, that was so uncool! I could feel my voice shaking and why the hell am I threatening him when I just c-confessed? Well done, you officially screwed up. God, I wish I could take that back! I'm so embarrassed... _I wake up from my self pity when I hear Gintoki saying those impossible words _~"No, I swear that I mean it. I'm not joking around, I promise"~ _There's no way... right? I bet he's just playing along to laugh at me later.. but I can't help thinking;_ what if... what if he's serious? _I can't help it, I want it to be true so much... _But_ _can I really trust him? _When I feel his hand gently ruffling through his hair, feeling those warm arms embracing me; I can't help but pull him closer, at least wanting this moment of sweet ignorance if it turns out to be a lie...

And then he finally says it. The words I've been waiting for, secretly longing for to hear... even before I realized it myself, I wanted him to say it, those painfully and awkward sweet words.. My heart is beating like crazy and my cheeks are on fire, slightly feeling embarrassed that I'm so moved by all this. But I'm also happy, so incredibly happy it fills my chest with this strange light fluffy feeling~ So I ask it him again, to hear those sweet words;

"Really..? Do you really mean that?.."

His answer leaves me blushing and absolutely speechless; I never knew he paid that much attention to me... With everything he said my chest ached with so much happiness it was almost painful, every time he said something I feel like I should wake up from this sweet blissful dream... I don't know how to reply so I just hold onto him, holding on tight because I'm afraid I would lose him if I let go. When he finished I felt so much I didn't knew what to do, what to say... So I just told him the truth;

"Y-you idiot... how can even say those embarrassing things? I'm almost dying of shame here, you baka..." _But still, I'm so happy you said them, I never hoped that you would... feel those things for me... I didn't even realized how much I liked you for so long, but I'm so happy now, I feel like I'm dreaming~... _I'm not brave not strong enough to say those words, too embarrassed to even think them. So I just told him the few words I could tell him, those words I've longed to say without embarrassment, without fear of being rejected, those sweet and honest words;

_~ "M-me too... I.. .. I-I also like you.." ~_

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><p><em><strong>AN: **That was kinda difficult... I'm not sure if the smut part went well but I tried! Anyway I hope you liked the new chapter :)  
>I might change it a little in the next few days so if you notice some changes, it's because of that.<br>-As I said I changed a few things, I hope it's a little better now-_

_I'm not too sure how to continue their relationship. I think it'll be a kind of fluffy (but cute Hijikata will act a little more tsundere) relationship with some smut in it but before we reach that point it'll be a difficult struggle for both of them.. or something along those lines :)_


	6. How to hurt with Words

_**A/N: **It took me forever to upload this chapter, I know, sorry! I've been sick for weeks and I really wanted to upload it sooner but I couldn't.  
>Please bear with me, I'll start writing the next chapter as soon as I have inspirationtime._

_**Rating: **T (just some cursing I guess)  
><em>

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><p>For a moment I'm just stunned to hear those words. Not in my wildest dreams could I have hoped to hear them, after all... it's Hijikata we're talking about. It just seems so unreal yet I want to believe it so much...<em> But still, who could have guessed that the Demonic Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi is actually such a cute and rather... awkward guy?<em> Wondering about that I just sit there for a moment, completely stunned by Hijikata's words. Only when I feel his fingers, trembling a little, brushing softly against mine I wake up from my daze, somehow deeply moved by his little display of affection. I let out a soft laugh and grab his slightly trembling hand, giving a soft squeeze as I do so. Hijikata blushes a little and looks away so I look down, observing our hands with a silly yet happy smile. I'm too happy to contain myself, I feel so happy right now...

I just can't help myself. A soft, almost warm feeling runs through my whole body and I feel like I could take on the whole world! I just keep discovering new sides of Hijikata and as I do so I feel like I'm finally learning the real Hijikata... Though it still is stupid to smile like that just because you're holding his hand!.. Yet, for some reason I'm unable to do so. Sigh, I even notice how I'm unable look away from him, I know I shouldn't stare but... I can't help it. My eyes automatically follow his movements, I unconsciously notice all the different expressions he makes and when he does something cute like trying to hold my hand, trembling and all I just feel my heart melting... I guess this is what is means to fall for someone? Well I suppose I did._ And pretty hard too..._

I lean in a little closer to my, yes my, Hijikata and whisper a soft "thank you" in his ear before I gently pull him into a hug. It feels so good, so ríght to hold him in my arms like this... It feels so natural to do so it almost scares me, like it's almost too good to be true. I wonder why I never noticed it before, how cute and nice Hijikata actually is. Well.. wait. Perhaps I did... but I probably was too stubborn to admit it to myself... Good, enough about that, let's concentrate on more important things... like hugging and being lovey dovey with my sweet Oogushi-kun. I suddenly hear a soft mumble so I reluctantly let go, wondering what he's trying to say.

"It's.. just... sorry. I think I still have to get used to this... and well.. I've never been a really... well, cuddly person you know." A small blush is spreading on his cheeks while he awkwardly looks away, _o god, he has no idea how cute he looks right now, it makes me want to hug him even more now! No, wait Gin-san. I shouldn't do that, he just said he needed to get used to being affectionate and stuff.. ... but... but he looks so cute...!_ I scratch my throat a little awkwardly before I reply; "Well to be honest, I've also never done this before with anyone, this is new for me too... So, umm, what do you wanna do about it? I mean, do you want to talk about it now...?"

Two confused eyes just stare at me, blankly. I scrape my throat again, _god this is so awkward, I wish we didn't have to have this conversation! Why doesn't he understand what I mean?_ "W-well, yeah... umm, we could "come out" as couple... while I highly doubt you would want that with the Shinsengumi looking up to you and stuff... And also not to forget to consider the reaction of others around us... Maybe it would be better if we were to keep it a secret till we've... well... sorted things a little more out?" Hijikata slowly nods, I'm sure he doesn't want to tell the whole Shinsengumi about this, at least not now. I let out a soft laugh, trying to lighten the mood a little "It's not that bad to keep it a secret you know? I mean, secret meetings do have its own.. charm, you know?" _Oh shit, I totally sounded like a pervert there! I just meant that they're... interesting in their own way. Of course, after some time it would also be nice because of thát, but that's not what I tried to tell! Arrghh, what if I screwed up? What if he starts thinking I just want his body?_

"Ahh... yeah... but before we worry about stuff like that... .. I... I-I think I need some time... I mean, I have to think this all through before I'm able to... ..you know... move further... .. So we should probably keep things a secret, at least for now, ne?" His voice is soft and he doesn't look at me, he's busy fidgeting with his fingers. For some reason I feel a soft ache in my chest, _I don't understand what's going on, what is he trying to say and why is my chest aching?..._ After a long pause I hear Hijikata taking in a deep breath before he continues;

"I-I don't know how long I'll need.. ... .. just... don't seek contact with me, I'll let you know when I'm ready... .. okay..?" _No, it's not okay, why do you have to think things through? I thought... I thought you also felt happy when you found out about my feelings. If that was so.. ... then why?..._ As I don't reply, Hijikata know I'm trying to figure out what he's actually trying to say, what he's trying to do. The awkward silence that follows is slowly tearing me apart, each passing second makes the pain in my chest worse.

Finally it gets interrupted by an uncertain, almost shaking voice; "A-Anyway, I have to go now, you know... things to do... But promise me this; don't tell other people about what happened here between us. I mean it, Gintoki, no one." The subtle change in his voice is the trigger, that which I've been denying unconsciously finally hits me. He doesn't want this... He's trying to get away while telling me he needs time... .. to think...

_He isn't reacting the same way as I am. He's not reacting as I wished, hoped he would... He's getting confused about everything, I bet he probably hasn't even thought of what would happen after he would get out of this bath. And he just realized it himself when I asked him those questions... But, I'm sure... he's just... ... ..panicking. _

_No.. That's a lie... .. ..._

He's rejecting me. He's rejecting all what happened and is trying to get away from here, trying to get things back under his control. I... I thought he would be just as happy as I am, I was...? But he isn't... He.. just isn't. For a reason I don't want to admit to myself, that realization hurts me deeply. It hurts; enough to make my heart ache like I've been stabbed. But still, I don't want to admit it. So I just take a deep breath and tell myself it stings so much for no real reason whatsoever. _It just... hurts..._

"I mean... I just don't want this to leak out before we're even sure of what it is, no, of that what we are, right?... I'm unable to handle things like that so soon, I... just need some time to think things through... alone. ... ... I guess see you later... when things have calmed down a little, okay?.. ..You should see this as a chance for you too, this also gives you time to think what you want to, for example with those two you're living with and... such... ne?.."

All this time he's been avoiding my eyes as he just stares down, not able to look me in the eyes as he knows... he knows his words are hurting me so much yet he can't change it, it's just the way he feels... Even though I wish it were different, I know it's not. And he knows it too.

"I-I"m sorry... I don't know yet... just... please, give me some time... okay?" His soft plead was the last thing I heard. His painful words were still echoing in my head when I felt a soft, hesitant squeeze in my hand before he quickly left the bath, leaving me there. Leaving me behind, alone, confused... and, not that I want to admit it; with an almost shattered heart...

_Wait... what the hell just happened? I thought... things would be different from now on... I thought we would you know, go out, hang out together, go on dates, hold hands, watch movies, walk through the park, kiss and watch the sun setting... Oh just stop it Gin-san, those ideas are all lies and you know it. Like you and Hijikata would ever do such things. But... I kind of hoped for something... Maybe a little more... happiness from his side? I kind of expected him to glow a little, like I felt I did... I mean, when I finally realized he also liked me I felt really blissful, I felt great like everything was right for a moment... Is it wrong to think he also felt something like that? Maybe he did... Maybe he.. … didn't._

_When I finally realized his feelings I would've liked to yell it through all edo; tell all the the people in the city that he is mine, mine and mine only. I felt like I wanted to claim him, hold him tightly in my arms and never let him go... Just wanted to spent my time with him, doing whatever he wanted, just being by his side would be enough.. I would do everything if it would mean being together with him... I wanted to tell him how cute he looked, how much I liked his awkward expression, how adorable his flustered face looks or how much his soft words melted my heart... Yet he didn't react like that at all. Does that mean... He didn't felt the same way after he spoke those words he's probably regretting?_

_Am I a fool for still hoping he'll come back to me. For still wanting him to change his mind and let me hold him in my arms, to never let go again? __Probably...  
>Since he reacted like someone just threw a bomb at him... I mean come on, he just ran away from me, I can't even begin to deny that. I know he's probably freaked out because of what happened and of what might happen in the future -like telling the people around us about it- but still... Damn it, it fucking hurts okay?... It makes me question; didn't he felt happy, not even the slightest bit? Did I.. ...Did I make a mistake when I confessed my feelings?... .. ...Ne, did I?...<em>

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><p>I have never dressed myself so quickly as I did today. I have no idea what just happened, all I knew is that I wanted, no nééded some space and time. Time to think what exactly happened and what I want to happen in the future... I mean, what will happen from now on? I have no idea! Are we officially going out now? Are we... like... .. b-boyfriends? And if we are... what does that mean? Does he expect us to hold hands while going to a movie and watch the sun going under together?... No, no no no! That's crazy, I can't even begin to imagine doing things like that! I... I don't know it anymore. I know I want us to be more than friends, after all I can't deny that I really like him... but I don't know how to handle the situation...<p>

_Shit, am I the only one who is so screwed up with this? I mean I just confessed and got confessed to, shouldn't I be the happiest person in Edo right now? No, it's not like I'm not __happy, my heart is still beating way too fast and I feel myself blushing every time I re-call those gentle yet embarrassing words- Stop Hijikata. You're wandering from the issue here. Sigh... It's not like I'm not happy, I am, really... but... .. It's too much at once... Oh god, just how do other people handle stuff like this, I'm going crazy from all this thinking! _

It's not thát strange for me to worry, right? There are tons of things to think about before throwing myself in a r-relationship with him... What if people around us won't like it? What if I lose the respect of the soldiers in the Shinsengumi? I wouldn't be able to live with myself, disgracing the Shinsengumi Kondo-san worked so hard for all those years. No, that can't happen, never. It would break my promise I made with myself...

And then there are those brats, how would Kagura and Shinpachi react? Are they willing to share their beloved Gin-san with someone like me? No, especially not Kagura. She's so protective of Gin-san, I would never be accepted... ..And maybe, just maybe that's also a reason why I'm so scared, why I'm running away from him... Because I keep asking myself; should they trust their beloved Gintoki on to someone like me?... Someone whose hands are stained with sins and countless bloodshed's... No! _They wouldn't, or rather, they shóuldn't!_ They would have all the right to not accept me... ..

But... I can't help it but I still want us to be together, somehow. _Am I simply being selfish?_ I don't know how to part right from wrong anymore, is it wrong for me, the Demonic Vice-Commander to care so much for someone and have those feelings returned? I feel like I don't deserve it, I'm not regretting what I've done so far in my life but it's not something I like. Someone who's very existence is hurled around sins and blood isn't worthy of such happiness, I feel like I shouldn't even want it in the first place... Someone like me should end the way he was born; in solitude...

Yet I can't stop those feelings I have, it's too much for me to bear... I never had to deal with a problem like this; I have never felt this way. I never just wanted to be with someone like I want with him... but... I know I can't. No rather, I shouldn't. There are too many uncertain factors. I don't deserve such happiness in the first place. I don't know how to be in a relationship, let alone how to be with someone without constantly holding up my guard. I don't know how to explain these feelings for I can't seem to fully understand them myself... And, those things aside; I don't know how to love, how to care and treat someone who's important to you without raising my sword...

I only ever learned how to cut down those who stand in your way, I never had the chance to lean, never had the chance to be permitted something else, for I was born a warrior. I never learned how to deal with emotions like this and it didn't bother me at all. Because they used to be something that I'd just hear from, something I was sure that wouldn't happen to me. _Not to me,_ I thought. And yet, here I am, confused as hell and running away from my problems... Since when did I become such a weak person? I bet Gin-san hates me by now, for running away like and for saying those cruel words when they should've been sweet whispers of a returned love... I can't help but worry;

Did I... make a mistake? Did I make a mistake when I told him my true feelings while I was simply being ignorant about the future, selfishly telling him those sweet words without thinking... Ne? Was it a mistake to tell him, to give him the short happiness to take it away just a moment later. Did I really mean it, even though when I wasn't fully prepared for the consequences?...

_Did I... make a mistake?.. ..._

_And if I did, is it still within my powers to make things right? No, more importantly... do I want to do that? Yeah I want that..! I don't want to keep running like this, to keep hurting him just because I'm worried and scared. I know I haven't thought things through when I told Gin-san about my feelings but that doesn't mean my confession nor my feelings are a lie. I truly do care about him, hell, he's probably the ONLY person I've ever cared for in this way.. so I want things to work out for us. So...what do I do now? Should I go back and try to explain things?...  
>No, I can't yet, it's still too soon for me.. I... .. I need more time to think what I truly want and how I'll handle the rest... <em>

_Please wait for me, Gintoki. Just... a little longer...  
><em>

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><p><em><strong>AN: **Thanks for reading! I think there's gonna be some serious stuff happening from here on I guess..._

_I felt it would be more natural when Hijikata would suddenly deny/doubt all this, it happened so unexpectedly fast and it's really something for him to open up to anyone, so it would be a natural reaction for him to need time and sort things out?... At least that's what I think. I'm not too sure if I'm doing a good job on making him worry so much but yeah, it turned out like this :)_

_I also want to thank everyone who reviewed, it really motivates and helps me to write :) Thank you for your support and patience to read this story ^^_


	7. How to wish upon the Moon

**A/N: **_Ahh, it took me longer than I hoped but I got stuck at the end. I'm a little concerned about this chapter, I still hope you'll like it though. It's a bit different from the usual ones but I enjoyed writing it. Anyway, enjoy reading it._

**Rating: **_T for cursing, moments of Hijikata's past and some angst_

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><p>I let out a frustrated sigh when I finally lay down in my bed, totally beaten. It's been a horrible, confusing and extremely tiring day, it felt like it would never end. I ended up walking around Edo for hours after I... well... ran away from Gintoki. I needed all my concentration just on avoiding Okita, if he were to see me in this state I honestly wouldn't know what would happen, or rather I wouldn't want to find it out...<p>

Another tired sigh fills the silent room and I move a little, trying to find a comfortable position in my soft bed. For the first time this day I allow myself to calm down and think, which I don't look forward to do so. I mean, it's not really nice to think about it... _Why am I so hopeless? I'm ashamed of myself, I should just find a solution already and not screw my head up like this! _

Short flashbacks of this day end up filling my head, confusing me even more and giving me a headache. I try to block all thoughts and ruffle through my hair but it seems to be a lost struggle. I mentally sigh, I'm just too tired for all this. I know I should focus on what I want to do but somehow I can't get myself to do it. So I end up just laying there in the dark with endless memories of that Sugar Idiot filling my brain, making me too restless to fall asleep.

As time passes the guilt and uneasiness grows, slowly consuming my mind. I roll over, shit, I'm getting really restless from this... _Just what should I do? It's not like it's all that easy and if I pick the wrong choice I'm sure I'll regret it. But still... I can't decide, I can't... I don't want to make a mistake or end up ruining things myself. Shit, I really should stop thinking like this but I can't help it. He sure screws up my head even when he's not here._

I roll over again, not knowing what to do with this almost painful uneasiness in my chest. _It hurts... I want to tell him I want to be by his side but I can't... I'm not ready for this, yet I don't want to stay away from him._ I let out a soft grumble, this isn't going anywhere.

When I close my eyes memories of _him _overwhelm me, taking over my mind as I remember; _His slightly flustered cheeks, the way he looked when I just woke up in the bath house, the look in his eyes when he told me his feelings, the gently, caring tone he uses only for me and those times he smiled, his special and genuinely smile... A smile so gentle and __caring they can melt a cold and frozen heart like mine, a smile that can completely warm you up... Shit. I sound like some high school chick in love, don't I...? Ugh, I'm getting scared of myself, just what the hell does that sugar idiot to me?..._

I let out a frustrated groan, I'm not cut out for this. My minds keep wandering to those memories of him instead of thinking what I want to do from now on.. … Well, I suppose that I already know the answer... it's just... … I don't think I'm ready to do something with it. _Just being with him is the only important thing to me, the rest shouldn't matter, _I try to convince myself. But deep down I know that that's not the real season, I'm still scared... _Am I worthy enough to be loved by someone so gentle, someone who truly cares for me like he does? _

I close my eyes again, trying to force myself to not think about _that_. It's too painful. _I'm __sorry Gintoki, just a little more... just a little more time... .._

My heart aches, allowing the pain inside me to roam freely, the pain that I so desperately try to avoid... I feel my breath hitching as I breath in, wanting to shake off the pain. After a while the aching slowly fades and I feel sleep trying to catch up with me. _Strange... I wasn't that tired before..._ I let out a yawn and feel my consciousness slowly fading, finally allowing my mind to rest for the first time this day...

_Soft, gentle words are spoken to me, whispering unrecognizable yet familiar words while I feel myself slowly warming up. It vaguely reminds me of a autumn night under a kotatsu and I feel myself smiling a little, the warmth seems to embrace me almost like it's hugging me in a gentle embrace. The whispers are slowly getting clearer and I feel my heart ache a little though I can't figure out why... Soft words are filling the air and suddenly I hear a painfully familiar sugar sweet voice whispering those sweet, sweet words;_

_~I'm really serious... I like you Hijikata, I like you a lot...~_

_Without noticing my breath hitches a little, my chest aches again and a feeling of deja vu hits me yet staying a little out of reach. I know those words... but where did I hear them?... And... … who said them? A flashback of a young silver haired man fills my head, wait... isn't that.. .. Gin- .. … .. Gint-... …. ._

_Another deju vu feeling hits me, I should wake up from this dream, this isn't the time to relax. Wait.. what? Wait... waking.. … waking... up?... Before I can think further I feel 2 almost sinfully soft lips pressing sweetly against mine, only to disappear again before I can react. I feel myself blushing, I'm not used to sweetness like that... Even though it took me by surprise I feel warm, a melancholic feeling filling me... I know who this person is, I'm sure I know. My heart is reacting like crazy, I know I've heard those words somewhere before and I know the feeling of those soft lips. Even though I know... why can't I remember?..._

_I want to open my mouth, ask what is going on when I feel those lips again, pressing a butterfly light kiss on my lips before I hear a sweet whisper; "Sshh, please don't ask... don't think... Just feel and engulf yourself in this blissful moment of happiness~" Trusting his words I obediently close my mouth, wondering where I've heard his voice before. Why can't I remember it? I feel a shot of guilt through my heart, why I can't remember..._

_When I finally decide to try to open my eyes I'm surprised to feel how heavy my eyelids are. A hand suddenly covers my eyes but before I can protest I feel a hot breath near my ear. "You shouldn't~... I told you, just let yourself be swept away in this blissful moment~" As he whispers gently in my ear I feel his hand caressing my hair, almost as if he's trying to comfort me. "Shhh, relax... please, trust me.. Just close your eyes for now, allow yourself to give in to this sweet feeling... I won't harm you, I promise, my lovely Oogushi-kun" Again, the melancholic feeling hits me, leaving me paralyzed at his words._

_Oogushi... kun? Am I that Oogushi-kun?... Without thinking I feel myself nodding slightly, unable to refuse his request. He mumbles a soft "thank you", pulls me closer with one arm around my neck and suddenly I feel his soft lips pressing a kiss on my cheek, slowly moving towards my neck. While he continues to kiss my skin he pulls me even closer in the hug. He finally reaches my sensitive spot behind my ear, carefully scraping his teethes over the spot. I let out a soft moan, slowly losing myself in his sweet and gentle kisses. __He nuzzles his face in my neck while he softly whispers those painfully familiar words again; _

_"~Whenever I look at you I get this strange, almost happy feeling in my stomach~  
><em>_~When I'm with you my mind goes black and I don't know what to do or say~" _

_I feel my cheeks getting redder and I hear a melodious soft chuckle, it makes my heart skip a beat as I feel like I recognize the sound. I feel his hot breath against my ear when he lets out a soft sigh, making me shudder a little from the feeling. When he suddenly begins to softly nibble on my ear I let out a soft groan out of surprise. After a final, teasingly soft bite he lets go of my ear but stays close to it, whispering sweet words again;  
><em>

"_~I've been yours all this time, I just didn't knew or wanted to admit it... Not to you, to myself or anyone else...~  
><em>_~But the truth is, my dear Hijikata... I really, really like you...~"  
><em>

_When he pulls back he caresses my cheek for a moment before he kisses me on my lips, gently, almost hesitant but in such a loving way it takes away my breath. White, bright and warm blissfulness is all I can think, all I can feel when he kisses me like that. A familiar warm feeling wells up in my chest and I feel like I know, I know... Just a little more... … G-G... … Gint-... … Gin-... __When, after what feels like an eternity, his soft lips are pulled back I hear him softly whispering my name in that almost painful sugar sweet tone;  
><em>

"_Hijikata~, please... don't forget this feeling, this moment of happiness..."  
><em>

_He pulls me closer, telling me it's fine to open my eyes now I see him, looking at me while smiling sweetly as I get used to bright white light that surrounds us. After a few blinks my eyes are finally used to it, noticing the beautiful s[ace around us. But when I look at him all I can think about is him... Without thinking I feel his name spilling from my lips; "Gin... Gintoki...?" _

_He nods a little, looking happy as I finally recognize him. Confusion suddenly overwhelms me; "But how, I.. I'm in the Shinsengumi HQ, you.. no.. wait.. ... where is this?" This bright whiteness that seems to surround us, the soft light that doesn't come from anywhere... Where are we? Such a scene doesn't exist in the real world... It's more like a place from a dream... Do you know where this is?... Why this happened... and why I am here?..." _

_It's not like I know the place. It's also not like I've never seen it. I don't recognize it at all yet somehow... it feels so safe and... right to be here. Just where is this supposed to be? "Yes... you're right, his isn't your world. Yet at the same time, I think it sort of is. I guess it's a little complicated to explain..." His familiar voice calms me down and I let out the breath I didn't even knew I was holding. I feel myself pulled in a close, almost too gentle hug before "Gintoki" starts to explain;_

"_For now, let's just say that this place is a reality... even tough it's just within your mind". He's so close, his smile is almost blinding me... I can feel my heart beating a little too fast and him talking in that sweet voice of him doesn't help in the slightest to understand his confusing words. "I-I don't get it... this is just a dream, if I wake up this all will be gone, right?" A soft chuckle rings in my ear "Well, yes... but not exactly. Dreams are usually a projection of it's hosts mind, a memory or a problem that's been lingering in the mind. But this is a little different. This is different, it's more than just that. To put it more simple; this "dream" could become real if you are to accept it completely. If you do so, it could turn into your version of what you see a "reality", one that can exist in your world." _

_As he sees my confusion he leans in and presses a soft kiss on my head, searching for the right words. "I'm sorry, I know this is confusing... But please try to accept things even if they're confusing..." I feel another soft kiss, this time on the sensitive spot in my neck._

"_Mmmh, let's see... This isn't a dream, yet it isn't "real" either... It's something between those two? Where dreams are only vague things that are not accurate enough to become a possible reality, this "dream" wíll become real if the necessary requirements are fulfilled. Therefore it's something in between those two. Do you follow me?" The concerned look on his face makes my heart skip a beat, I'm not really used to people getting concerned about me. I nod slowly, blushing a little as I do so. "That's good to hear" His blinding smile lights up his face before he continues; "As for the requirement; you just have to believe that this feeling of warmth, gentleness and happiness," A soft, caressing kiss is placed on my lips, making my heart skip another beat "will be possible. Please believe that you can have this future... Believe in it and I promise you that it wíll become reality" _

_His hand is gently caressing my cheek while he looks in my eyes; "I beg you, don't run away from this... I know that you have your doubts and there are other reasons why you couldn't accept this up till now but please... accept me... I promise I'll be yours, so please ... Follow your feelings and know that I'll be there at the end of the darkness, waiting to hold you, to take on all the things you can't share with others..." His expression changes into a slightly sad one before he continues; "Take all the time you need. Think about it as many times as you want. I just want you to know that I am here. I am here for you... just come to me and I'll share your pain, insecurities, worries and doubts..." The new look in his eyes takes my breath away; eyes filled with pain, sorrow, loneliness... but above all that; his gaze is filled with burning, truly unconditional love..._

"_Remember; I'll always be there for you... just come to me and I'll share your burden... Take all the time you need... but please, in the end... will you come to me..?" I feel his soft, almost burning lips on mine again, wiping all worries and doubts from my mind. I let myself be swept away by his burning gentleness, wanting to be closer to him... but suddenly it hits me, this feels a little different... a little more like the previous time I was kissed in a dream, when it turned out to be the real Gintoki... Yeah.. this kiss is different; almost like I can feel Gintoki;'s unlimited and unconditional burning feelings through the kiss... Wait... Does that mean that...? I snap my eyes open _and I'm back in my own room. The only thing I hear is my own ragged breathing as I just lay there, confused. After a while I calm down, wondering what just happened. Did I fell asleep and ended up having this dream? A very realistic one that is but... it was just a dream, right? Just when I want to shrug it off as one, I hear those words faintly, so soft, like they're dancing on the wind, disappearing as soon as they came;

"_Take all the time you need... but please, in the end... will you come to me..?"  
><em>

I... I know. Even my subconsciousness is trying to tell me that I should end up with Gintoki. But I'm still scared, still not sure... It's just that I don't know if things will work and and to be honest, I'm scared it won't. I wouldn't know how to deal with that. If we were to break up, how am I supposed to go on? Gintoki... that sugar addict has somehow, without realizing, gotten into my head and he just won't leave. No... It's more like I don't want him to leave, not anymore... But it's scary to think that if I were to see this through, there would also be a chance things would go wrong. It feels safer to don't do anything and treasure this, this moment of knowing he feels the same... but... I don't think I can do that anymore... I want more, it's not enough, not anymore...

But that's not my biggest fear. As scary and insecure I feel about going into a relationship there's something that's been pushing me down for years, something I won't be able to shrug off or get over no matter how many time passes... Something I wont ever be able to escape, not until the day I'll die...  
>I know I'm the only one to blame since I was there, I made the decisions myself, I chóóse to do it... I did it for a reason, a damn good one, but I never really wanted to. Having a reason for it won't change the facts I've committed countless unforgivable sins...<p>

After every time I would be unable to do anything for at least a few hours, I would lock myself up in my room. Seeking darkness, loneliness... while forced to remember the twisted, cruel moments again and again... _Their screams filled with life threatening fear, a sound so cruel it hurt me even to remember the sound... The look of pure terror and agony in their lifeless eyes, the hollow yet painfully burning gazes into nothingness of those who were already lost... The sickening, overwhelming smell of blood, the sinful red liquid staining my soul again and again... _I would just lie there in the dark, letting the sickening memories run wild in my head, emptying my stomach multiple times as I would be unable to handle the cruel after images... Unable to stop shaking, shuddering all over as I remember... remember again and again... the true meaning of my name; _Demonic Vice-Commander..._

I wouldn't be able to sleep normal for a long time and eating would be out of the question, it took all I had to keep breathing and not lose myself in madness. Guilt would rage through my head, consuming and almost destroying my mind, again and again. Only time could dull the cruel, painful aftermath a little. Just barely enough to survive, not enough to ever truly forget. And the feelings would come back; every time I committed the sinful act I payed the almost inhumanly high price... But despite knowing all that, I kept committing them... And I know I'll keep doing so in the future. Because no matter what happens, I must do it. To protect my comrades, to protect our leader Kondo-san, to protect the people in Edo but also... to protect the value of the lives of the people I killed before... To protect their deaths so they won't be ever be lost in vain, I must continue to walk this blood stained path. I must, so I will be able to keep walking straight... If I wouldn't, my soul would probably break...

I keep doing it for important reasons, reasons I find more important than my own life.. Yet I know... I know that no matter the reason, no matter how many people are protected by it; killing is an unforgivable sin... A bloody heavy one that is...

And because of that, because I'll never be able to stray from my path I keep wondering, is someone like me, someone filthy, stained to the core and doomed for life, really worthy of something beautiful like love? Should I accept that kindness in life? Wouldn't it be better to try and repent more, even a little more for all those people whose futures and lives I've taken away? And am I really willing to keep the person I care the most out so close to me, close to a killer? _I... I can't do it. I can't stain, burden him with this, it would be too painful for me to cause him such worries or pain. _

My thoughts become hazy as I keep thinking about those dark memories, memories I've wanted to forget so badly... Just the thought of them makes the uneasiness in my chest sharpen till it hurts, stinging and cutting my heart. I know why I did those things and I can't say I regret them, I made those decisions to save others, to save more people from getting harmed. I knew that if I wouldn't do it, many and many more _innocent_ and _important _people to me would've died. I know. And I know I would do, all of it, again if I had the choice. Since I was the only one who could do something I simply _had_ to...

_But it doesn't make the guilt, the pain from the actions any more bearable... does it?.. _A soft voice I've been trying to ignore whispers the words I've been trying to avoid, nééding to ignore it in the hope it would lessen their meaning, lessen the pain of their meaning... _The faces of the people I killed, I'll never forget them, no, I _should _never forget them... for it would make their deaths even sadder, even crueler if I did... _I feel my heart slowly dying from those words, knowing they are true. I can't ever forget my past, it would be the same as denying the sins, no, the same as denying those people lives if I ever did. I want to forget so badly yet my personal bushido, no, my very soul denies that option...

I know I should talk about it... that if I would tell him all this, about how much my past is affecting me, he would understand. Even though I know so little really personal information about him, I know he's fought in the Amanto war together with Takasugi, Katsura and Sakamoto. Sometimes, I see that pained look in his eyes, that look I known too well... Although it only lasts for a second I'm sure I've seen it, even though he hides it from those around him with a smile...

It's the look of someone who has been through hell and back but still thinks it's not enough as payment, someone who's unable to let go of his past... He knows the pain of it... But it's exactly because of that, because I know he's struggling with his painful past just like me that I can't tell him, it would be cruel to do so...

I'm honestly starting to believe I shouldn't let him be with someone like me, he deserves so much better. I couldn't possibly be good enough, he should wánt someone better. Someone pure without a blood stained past... Someone strong, strong enough to take his pain in and to help him through it... Yeah, he definitely deserves someone like that... _I wish there was someone like that for him... Because I know how much it hurts to be alone with those feelings, it's so painful... I wish there was someone like that for him... … I doesn't have to be me... just.. … someone to take away his lonely pain, to share the heavy burden with... I wish..._

Without me noticing a lone tear wells up in my eye, only when it rolls down my cheek, leaving a burning hot trace behind I realize how much this is affecting me. _I'm crying. I'm crying because I'm too powerless to do anything, I'm unable to simply forget him but I'm not strong enough to accept the chance that I'll end up alone, truly alone... Because even though I've been called the Demonic Vice-Commander, I'm still a human deep down. But the real reason I'm crying isn't because of that... It's for him... .. _

_It hurts me so much to know what pain he goes through... Because I've felt it too.. It hurts to know what he's felt, it's something I never want anyone to feel. It's a feeling beyond horrible; it's always there... slowly trying to eat away your sanity, slowly yet painfully destroying your mind, cruelly consume you till there's nothing left... How many times have I woken up in the middle of the night, only to be overwhelmed by this feeling of loneliness, burning pain and in the end... endless darkness... I can't even start to count... Too many times have I thought I would lose my mind. Yet something kept me going, something gave me the strength to continue to live... But when I'm not strong enough to even save myself, how am I supposed to help and share his pain? If... If only I could... I wish I could... I wish... ..  
><em>

"_~ I'll be there at the end of the darkness, _

_waiting to hold you,_

_to take on all the things you can't share with others... ~"  
><em>

_A moment, no, just a flash of the feeling I had in my.. dream... reminds me of "his" words. I suddenly realize it, what that "dream" really was, what it meant... The reason it seemed so unearthly beautiful, why I felt so safe all that time... I've known it from the beginning. It's just because I was too scared I've been unable to see it till now. The soft gentle feeling fills my chest, filling my entire being with it's warmth. In the end it turns out he's more like me than I thought... ne, Gintoki?~_

_Of course I know things won't be easy from now on. There'll be hard times, there'll be sad times. But it's worth it, every single moment of it. Because I'll take the risk together with him. Because I've been wanting to be with him for a long, long time. I've wanted to embrace him in a tender, almost painfully gentle hug, giving him the safe and gentle feeling I had in that "dream". I know what it was... It wasn't real yet it wasn't a lie. It was just.. just... _

… _Just a sad wish... A lone sad wish, filled with pure white feelings to give even a little moment of comfort to someone like me, someone who hurt and ran away from him... Yet he still wished for it with his entire being... A sad wish to show a hurt person what could be, a short moment of happiness. I know it wasn't a dream, it was too real for that. It wasn't a lie either, it felt too pure and gentle. It wasn't a moment from the future, for the future is changeable at will.  
>It was... really just a sad wish for comfort, prayed up on by my beloved Sugar Idiot who has been through probably even more pain as me... Yet the wish, the need to find a moment of salvation, was meant for me...<em>

Almost in trance I slowly get up and walk towards my door, feeling my feet tremble ever so lightly with every step. I open the door just enough for me to fit through the opening and step outside. The soft moonlight glows on my skin and for some reason I feel a little calmer, almost as if the gentle silver light is slowly healing my bleeding heart. I take a deep breath before I close the door behind me, wanting to leave the sadness and guilt behind. Without thinking I start to walk, using the secret path only Kondo and I know of. We made it a long time ago, just the two of us. Without saying the reason aloud we worked on it, both knowing painfully too well why we needed it.

_To escape... to leave the worries, sadness, guilt and pain behind. To have an emergency route, a path only known by the two of us in order to leave those things behind. Because we both knew. The pain, the never ending guilt our past is filled with. Only for the two of us, for we took the heavy burden, the almost inhuman tasks upon ourselves, in order to keep our precious comrades from doing it. Without telling we knew, this would be our secret. The other members didn't need to know, we took away those burdens for them because we wanted to, so they didn't had to stain their hands, to stain their soul... But because we did we also knew there would be times like this, times that those past sins would be too much for us to shoulder..._

_Being proud samurai we wouldn't be able to seek comfort in each other, we couldn't speak those words of regrets out because we didn't want to burden the other one even more. We knew the pain the other felt, words weren't enough to explain it... So instead... We created this. For being able to walk away from your worries without . To be able to just... leave them behind, even if it is only for the night... A way to escape for a moment, to be weak even for a moment so you could return later, walking straight again, in order to protect your precious comrades in the future..._

_But this time it's different. I won't walk this path knowing there's no end to the darkness that's surrounding me, I know there is. A soft light, lightning my path so I won't get lost this time, making sure I'll be able to return from the darkness. I'll walk this secret path, finding my way, the way I thought I lost long long ago... Without fear, guilt or pain I'll be able to walk straight, following the gentle silver light through my darkness..._

The gentle moonlight washes away my worries, my doubts. The silver light is the only thing I'll need to keep myself from getting lost. I take a deep breath, gathering all my courage to finally give him my reply. I walk through the dark streets, feeling my heart beating faster with each step I take. Things won't be easy but I realize; life never has been. But now we'll have someone to share the pain with if it gets too much... I feel my heart beating, prove that I am alive.

I won't turn back now, I've made up my mind. No matter what happens from now on I'll see it through. He went as far for me to wish for my happiness, for my salvation when in reality, he's the one who needs it the most. When I realized he would do such a painfully kind thing I felt like maybe, just maybe I could do the same. I know, I'm not as strong as he is... but I want to try... I'll try my hardest without doubting myself anymore, I'll stand strong for both of us.

_Because I want to be there for him. Because I care so much about him, because he's the one who understands me better than I do myself...  
><em>

_Because he is my precious Gintoki..._

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><p><em><strong>AN:** Thanks a lot for reading and following this story. It means a lot to me, really. The kind reviews may be the only thing that keeps me writing when I'm sturck._

_Hijikata's past seems like a dark, heavy one... One that's always there because he's unable to share his pain with others (out of pride but also to keep them from getting hurt). Now he's found someone he can rely on, I think he'll be finally able to move forward. Of course he won't forget his past but he'll learn how to deal with the pain, guilt and darkness that comes with it.  
><em>_  
>I don't know if it's all right to get him in such an emotionalangsty mood but it seemed right when I wrote it._


	8. How to wish a selfless Wish

**_A/N: _**_Hello there :) It's been +/- 2 mon__ths since my last update and I'm really sorry about that. I had a writers block but I hope the writing will go smoother from now on. __I'm not sure if the chapter is all that good but I suddenly got the urge to write something. I think the story might be a bit too serious sometimes but on the other hand, I kinda like where the story is going.  
><em>

**_Rating: _**_T (just some cursing)_

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><p>"<em>Why did it turn out like this?" I sigh, feeling tired though I've done nothing but lying on my futon all day. I don<em>_'t remember how I got home, all I know is that somehow I ended up at Yorozuya and being dragged inside by a worried Shinpachi._

My mind went blank as soon as Hijikata left the bath, only to wake up slightly from my daze when I felt Shinpachi dragging me towards my room. I faintly remember I mumbled an apology and asking him to take Kagura and go to his house. I noticed his worried glances but he didn't ask anything. He just nodded, telling me he would wait till I came to get them and that I should take my time. I smiled, grateful he didn't ask anything. As soon as I got in my room I walked to the futon. As soon as I felt the soft, almost comforting bed beneath me my mind wandered off, wondering how I ended up in this mess again.

_I'm the Jack of all Trades for gods sake, I should be able to solve this! No... .. You know, don't you? It's not that simple, it's never been and probably never will. Because even though you could try and help him, it wouldn't matter if he doesn't want to. Because it''s almost too much to handle, to even bare with it._ I roll over again, getting tired of fighting off my own thoughts. My head hurts and my mind is spinning, I just don't want to accept the cruel thoughts that are running through my head. I don't want Hijikata-kun to run away any more yet I don't want to force my opinion or feelings onto him. _He has enough reason to deny all this. And I wouldn't even be able to be angry or disappointed about it because I know... … because I know..._

My heart aches painfully when I remember that sad look in his eyes I've seen too often, I'm sure he was unaware of the pain that showed his eyes though. If he knew he would've put on that cold indifferent mask... _Those countless times I've seen that look, how often haven't I wanted to do something to make it disappear? Over and over again I saw the look I hate to see the most yet I can't do anything but silently hope. _

_The pain, self blaming, sadness and loathing... I despise the fact that I know that look all too good. After all, there is a reason I tend to avoid mirrors... Or Katsura..._

_That sad, painful look as if his heart is being stabbed, no, crushed by guilt and denied by regret, I've seen it way more than I wanted to, back then... It's something I desperately avoid because it brings back those red stained memories, it brings back the pain and suffering from what seems like an entire other world. And it might have been.  
>A cold place filled with darkness, air stained with that sickly familiar iron smell... a place where clashing blades and screams were all one could hear... A place stained with that hateful and sinful red liquid... A forsaken place.<br>_

_ Lonely. So... lonely. A cold and bitter place where hope and reason slowly fades from ones mind as time mercilessly continues._

Without noticing when I've covered my eyes with my arm, denying the flashbacks... Almost unconsciously trying to prevent myself from seeing those memories again, desperate to avoid recalling everything.

I might act stupid sometimes but I sure as hell know, I know why Hijikata is being so hesitant about all this. Even though he wasn't _there _I know that he's been through something similar. No matter how hard he tries the pain and sadness that should've been forgotten still haunt him... and it shows in his eyes. I wonder why other people can't see it? Perhaps only us, cursed ones recognize the pain?... That mind consuming, maddening feeling of pain, loneliness, or rather, emptiness?

_It hurts. So much. The pain won't go away, it won't fade... not even in the endless flow of time. We can't close our eyes for it became part of whom we are. It made us stronger yet we paid a price that was far too high. Though it was worth it in the end it changed it. And not in the good way._

But probably because of his pride, he won't admit all of it and make up excuses; like he did today. Though we both know we won't talk about it. _Because if he admits the real reason to himself he'll have to remember. To accept it he'll have to lower the iron wall he set up to protect his wounded heart... That's something I won't even ask him to do, it's not something I should even want him to do! Yet we both know he can't go on like this..._

I didn't want to see him getting hurt because of me. So what else could I've done than let him go, hoping that after time passes he'll realize he won't be able to run away from it any longer? _N__o matter how hard you run, the past guilt, pain and memories will catch up to you._ _I don't want that day to come for him yet I want to see him happy... and I know he won't be able to genuinely smile as long as he continues to run..._ I know he'll stop running one day, he won't be able to run any more. Being tired of everything he'll be forced to deal with it... _He'll stop running._

I went through the same situation a few years ago and I hate to know what he'll have to go through. Because it was so fucking hard... Without Katsura I probably would've sunken into depression, tired of living, tired of fighting off the pain. Or I would've gone completely berserk. Probably both... _I don't want him to go through the same. I've seen friends and comrades gone through it too often, taking the wrong path, leading insanity, depression or even death in the end... I never want to see that look on his face, never!_

Fighting against the hot and bitter tears of regret I feel like I'm losing control, slowly giving in to the pain, foolishly hoping the pain in my chest will disappear if I stop fighting it. Slowly feeling my sanity fading I grab the sheets with too much force, almost tearing them. The burning pain in my chest keeps increasing, making it close to impossible to fight off those memories; the screams, the hollow yet desperate or worse; mindless look in the eyes of those around me, the sickening smell of iron... _Stop it, stop... stop...! Stop it! Don't think about it, don't let those past memories take your mind over! _

"Ha.. … .. Hahaa... Ahaahaaaa... Hahaaahaaaa! Hhaha, Ahhahaa!" I hear myself laughing though I'm not sure if it's even my voice. I try to smile as I feel I'm losing control over myself more and more. If I wasn't busy fighting off the chaos in my mind I would've been disturbed by the maniac undertone of my laugh. Yet I can't seem to stop it, filling the room with the crazy sound. When I finally finished laughing I smirk bitterly, _I'm such a pathetic idiot. I'm a fool, wanting Hijikata to try and deal with his past while I'm almost losing myself over merely remembering a bit of it. _I stretch my arm, looking for my sword. A wave of relief washes through me as I feel the all too familiar wooden sword, clenching it in my fist I release the breath I didn't know I was holding.

That's right, I choose to fight with this wooden sword because I didn't want more people to die by my hand. This is whom I am now, I can't let go of that. I have to remember, I'm not the same person I used to be anymore. _I've changed. For the better._

As I feel myself calming down I curse, hating the fact I'm still so weak. It all happened years ago, everyone seems to have moved on. But here I am, a pathetic loser who almost gave in to to the pain just from remembering those days. _I've been depending on Katsura too much lately I guess. With him around it's... different. The pain isn't as sharp as usual, the memories are hazier and the emptiness isn't as dark and cold as it used to be. It's just that... .. with him around breathing seems to be easier._

_I should've realized it, how much his past is hurting him, why he can't just accept happiness or nice things like other people can. Because he never had someone to get him through all that shit he's never gotten over it._

_I know I've been blessed because I had Katsura by my side for all these years. I would've never ever been able to have dealt with all of that on my own... Heck I can't even image trying it; feeling messed up like that without someone to depend on, to share your pain with, who tells you that you aren't the worst scum on earth, who'll stop you when you reach the limit of your sanity, someone who'll cry with you, someone who'll reach out to your almost shattered and stained soul in the depths of your darkness and pulls you out of it... _

_Someone who'll just sit next to you, silently, just leaving you be. Just sitting there, letting you know that there's still someone who truly cares for you even in this cruel and lonely world. Someone who knows how you feel, who has been through the same and shows it's possible to deal with it... Like a small flame in the mind consuming darkness, gently shining it's light to show you the way while slowly warming your ice cold heart._

_Someone who won't disappear __and leave you all alone like all those other did in the end... _

_I couldn't have done it without him. I wouldn't have found the will to live and raise my head to the future he tried to show me. I would probably not be alive by now, not without my most trusted comrade. Not without my precious friend since way back our childhood. Not without Katsura._

_I wish I could be that person for him. If only I could share even a little part of his heavy past I would be happy. I don't want to see him fighting this maddening battle all on his own... __Because I know how dangerous it is to sink too far into the cold yet alluring darkness, the darkness that promises to take away all your painful memories and pain... Because I know it feels to lose control over your self restraint and sanity, feeling it slipping through your fingers but when you're too far gone to even care. At those times you need someone to pull you out of it... I wish I could be that person for him..._

_I really don't want him to go through the same, I would rather have it happen to myself again than have him deal with it! But I know I can't. So I'll try to be there for him, trying to ease the pain even a little._

_So please, God, Buddha, someone, anyone; please let him know he's not alone in this. I'm not asking for something for myself so please listen to this selfless wish. I don't care if he won't return my feelings in the end. I just want to lessen the burdens he's taken on himself for all those years as much as I can. Knowing this pain and twisted madness too well I want to spare him those feelings as much as possible. Please, don't let it happen to him like what happened with me!_

_I'm not asking for a miracle; I simply wish for him to be able to smile genuinely, to be happy and know he'll always have someone on his side. I want him to know I'm here, that he can rely on me. Not just because I'm in love with him but because he deserves it more than anyone I know. He who has taken all that pain upon himself, suffering silently while smiling in order to not worry his comrades... It hurts to even think about it.  
>So please let him know that I'm here for him. Always. That he can show weakness and be vulnerable, that he, even for a little while, can be a normal human with feelings when everything is too much to handle. I wish he would know I'm here for him, willing to share all of his pain, the sadness, guilt and self loathing so he can go back to his comrades in the Shinsengumi with his head high, smiling sincerely.<em>

_~ I simply wish for him to know I'll always be here for him,_

_I want him to know that there's someone who'll accept him unconditionally,_

_so he doesn't have to worry about his past,_

_so he'll finally be able to move forward... ~_

Ignoring the painful ache in my chest I slowly get up and stumble to the window. As soon as I open it the cold night air flows in my room, drying up my long forgotten tears. I inhale deep and relax, it feels like the cold air clears my mind from all the worries and unwanted memories. I open the window further and look for the moon. The gentle silver light shines has something soothing, almost soft. _"Will you carry my wish towards him?... .. I simply want my feelings to reach him so please listen to my request... I just... .. just... don't want to see him hurt... .. … He's too precious to me. Ne, won't you?..." _

I slowly turn around and lean with my arms on the window post, concentrating my thoughts on the moonlight that gently shines upon a part of my futon and floor. I stand there like that for a while, slowly feeling the pain and sickening pain fade completely to the unconscious part of my mind. Finally feeling like I got my emotions under control again I inhale and exhale deep while smiling, feeling relieved. Relieved everything went well in the end. _Though I didn't cross the line, it was close. Way too close... .. A little, just a little more and I would've... Just like back then... … I.. … .. What if... … if...? No. I promised myself, didn't I? That something like that would never happen again. Never._

I shake my head violently, trying to shake those dark thoughts away._ It won't happen ever again, I won't let myself go that far ever again. Never again... Also for his sake..._ I slowly walk back towards my futon, exhausted. Making sure I can see the moon I allow myself to feel happy for the first time this night. Closing my eyes I let the gentle silver light soothe my mind, calming down completely.

When I'm almost asleep I sense someone approaching the house, _why would someone be out at this hour?_ I immediately get up and walk towards the window, quickly scanning the street for any potential threat.

When I see the dark shadow I feel my eyes widening a little; a lone figure is standing under my window and looking up towards me. I instantly relax as I recognize the familiar silhouette, _guess I was worried for nothing_. _But still, why is he here, especially at this time? _

I see the silhouette waving at me, trying to get my attention. I nod in acknowledgment and raise my hand, signing that he should come inside. The figure seems to hesitate but nods in the end while walking towards the stair. I feel my heart beating a little harder than usual, _idiot, where are you getting all happy over?_  
>When I hear a soft knock on the front door I realize that Shinpachi and Kagura aren't home, <em>guess I'll have to open it then<em>. Though I usually think it's handy to have them around I'm glad they aren't now. There are a few things that they don't have to know about and with them around I'll be worried they'll hear the conversation...

I forget all of my worries though, as I walk towards the door as I feel myself smiling slightly.

_This is too much of a coincidence, ne? For him to arrive so late in the night, almost like he heard my silent wish not to be alone now. Though with him I never know for sure, maybe he did...  
><em>_He knows me too well I guess, it wouldn't even surprise me if it were true. Not that it really matters, he's here now and that's all what counts._

I hear another soft knock on the door, followed by a soft "Gintoki... Open the door... .. I think.. .. … You know, right?.. ... I'm late aren't I?.. … ... Are you okay?.. … ... Do.. … .. do you want to talk?…" I slowly open the door and smile warmly at him, he always manages to cheer me up when I see him. Especially now, after the shit I've been through this evening I feel really happy seeing him.  
>We stand there like that for a while, neither of us saying knowing what to say because we both know why he's here. <em>It's just... .. it's still so fresh...<em>  
>Finally breaking the peaceful silence I take a piece of his sleeve, carefully avoiding eye contact as I gently pull him closer, hinting that he should come inside. He obediently follows my lead, still patiently waiting for my response. I avoid his stare and look at the ground, not sure how I'm even supposed to reply before I finally look up in those familiar eyes, whispering softly;<p>

_"Mmm... .. yeah.. … We should talk. But before that... … .. I just want to say …_

_"I've missed you..."_

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><p><strong>AN: **_So what did you think of this? I'm not sure if this chapter went well but it's almost 3 AM and I wanted to upload it even though it's kind of like a rough sketch._

_I think it's rather difficult to write from Gintoki's POV. I feel like I write him too serious but I don't know how to add something more light hearted in the story without messing up the mood I'm trying to set...?_


	9. How to let go of past Feelings

_**A/N**: This update is rahter short but I wanted to write something :) I feel like it's wrriten in a slightly different style than the other chapter but I hope you'll like it._

_Note: Gintoki is contradicting himself a lot in this chapter. So whenever you think something doesn't really makes sense it's probably Gintoki contradicting what he was thinking earlier. Sorry if it's confusing._

**Rating: **T, at it's most.

**Disclaimer:** The last sentences at the end are based on the song; BigBang - Lies.

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><p>"I'm sorry... I'm too late, aren't I?" your soft voice is filled with regret, guilt, sadness. <em>Stupid. Don't apologize. It's not your fault. It never was.<em>

...

.. "But... I'm here now, you know." _How did you eve__n know in the first place? Why.. Why do you always know when to show up when I need you, even when I don't know it yet myself?_

I feel you staring, worried eyes full of concern, inwardly cringing because of that look, that look I know a little too good. _Why are you looking at me like that?..._

"Mmm..." I can't find the right words. Now that you're really here I can't help but feel a little anxious. Without asking you seem to know. Know why I behave this way. _Of course._ It's been so long but it's not like time will change anything. _It never does. _Not something like this. _Though sometimes I wish it did. Wish that everything would slowly fade from our memories, eventually disappearing... taking everything with it. Everything slowly fading away.._

Soft noises from outside disturb our little bubble of silence, soft but giggly chattering interrupts my thoughts from getting too complicated. _If only things would've been different. _I don't know why I am like this suddenly. Even though I'm really happy you're here.

_Stop looking at me with those eyes. Stop. I've seen that expression too many times... Don't you remember? Ahahaa, stupid of me. Of course you know. We both know. So... why?..._

You still haven't said a thing after entering my room. Why not? You know it's safe, that there won't be a soul to hear what's only meant for us. _Stupid. You know why. … Then why do you keep asking yourself? _

I hate this. You know it too. But you also know that's just who I am. I don't even understand it myself yet you do. _How do you do it? Years of training? Observation? Tell me. Because I don't know anymore, I'm about to lose my mind while you seem to understand everything. Tell me. Stop looking. Just... talk._

A soft sigh breaks the silence again, my heart unconsciously beating a little faster. Because I know I won't like what you're gonna say. And you know. Of course you know. You know better than I do. _Don't you...? _

"I... .. I think this is a good thing. Really" You say in a soft yet honest voice. Pain slowly finds it's way in my heart even though my mind tries to reject it. Tries to reject you. Your words. The feelings. But also the denial itself. "Please don't look like that. You know... .. it may seem impossible but you should. No, don't talk back, don't argue with me." you try smile, yet it doesn't reach your eyes.  
>"We both know what would happen, it's not your fault. Really. So, stop looking like that" Your voice trembles when you say that. <em>Liar. Why do you tell me such sweet lies when you can't convince yourself? You know why. No. Stop it. Don't. It finished long ago remember. Don't go back there, it's been over since a long time.<em>

_Then why does your heart still hurts?... Why can't you look him proudly in the eyes, telling that you're all right? Why can't you? Everything has finished... right? _

Without really knowing why I feel a burning tear slowly run down my cheeks. Soft footsteps can be heard. You have a pained look on your face while you raise your hand slowly, hesitantly moving. _Please. Don't. … Please... continue. _Your hand stops, too close -_too far-_ but I feel it's warmth on my cheek.I finally look at you, seeing the hurt yet familiar look in the eyes. Worry. Hurt. Regret. Soft eyes. Caring.

I should've looked at them earlier. _I wish I didn't. _Another tear escapes, leaving a burning pain on my cheek.

Before I can make up my mind I feel your hand, _too familiar, _lightly touching my cheek. Soft fingers brushing my burning skin, painfully sweet. _Don't do this. Please. I can't... .. _

I don't know how much time passes. Tears keep flowing out as I tell him the things I couldn't earlier. Soft whisperers, countless apologizes. It's never enough. _It will never be. And you know that. _We both know the words aren't enough. That they'll never be.

Even though we know it too well, you keep comforting me, whispering everything is all right. That it isn't my fault. That you've moved on, that it's better this way. _But it isn't. Not for you. I know. You know. You know that I know... Why do you keep denying it?... .. Of course I understand it, deep down I'll always... .. But I don't want to admit it. Because if I do, history will repeat itself again. And I promised to you and myself I wouldn't let it happen. Never again._

When the sun finally lights up the dark sky, the supposedly endless night finally ends. We both look at the sun, remembering those days. Those precious memories we sealed like they were dreams. A faraway memory, like a fairy tail about other people. Like they're not our memories. _We both knew that it would be like this. But it doesn't make it less painful._

You take a step backwards. Slowly walking back, back to your own world. _Please go. Leave. Don't turn around. Don't look at me. No, please, stop. Stay. No. Don't turn around._

You turn around. I wish you didn't. The sad smile you show breaks my heart again. Like you're telling me everything will be okay. Please. Don't look at me like that. You shouldn't. Don't tell me everything will be alright when I can see the tears in your eyes. Don't try to comfort me when you are also hurting.  
><em>I'm strong enough to take care of myself. I really am. So don't look at me like that...<em>

But you know. You understand me better than I do. So you only look at me with those familiar eyes, -_stop, please, don't...-_ as a lonely tear rolls down your cheek. And I just stand there, wanting to comfort you but I can't. I can't. I won't. You know why. _Why?_ I don't know. _I do. But it hurts too much to admit._

You always understood me better than I did myself. _How do you do that? Not that it matters anymore, it's already too late. And you know it. _So without answering my countless silent questions you only look at me, smiling a final smile, the hurt showing in your eyes as I whisper you goodbye. We both knew it wouldn't be a fairy tale. We knew. But we couldn't help ourselves. We ignored the warnings and went through with it while knowing better. We couldn't, we didn't want to give up. So naturally, we have to pay the price.

_Yet you took everything upon yourself. Letting me off like that. Selfless bastard.  
>I wish you didn't. But it's too late for regret now. It's always been too late to change. <em>

"_I'm so sorry... but I -xx- you..."_

"_I'm so sorry, my words are all lies... but I needed you"_

_I'm so sorry, for realizing everything too late"_

"_I'm so sorry,_

_But I loved you."_

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><p><em><strong>AN: **__I hope you liked it, it's a little confusing I admit but if you have any questions feel free to sent a message. _


	10. Short Note

Hello everyone, 

I'm sorry if you expected a new chapter, it's just a short update on the situation;

I'm thinking of picking the story up again, after neglecting it for +3 months I finally feel like continuing this again. Since English isn't my first language I'm having a hard time writing things the way I want and to be honest; I'm a little stuck on the plot. I don't know what to write, where to go and how to describe the emotions of the main characters. It's very frustrating and demotivating, thus I decided after the last chapter to not write for a while. I'm glad I got my writing mood back now though :)

I hope I'll soon be able to solve this but I am very busy with school so I don't know when I'll be able to update. I'll try to do so as soon as I have things sorted out but as you know I'm not the fastest updates out here... Please bear with me :)

That said I guess this is sort of like a notice that I'm at least trying to work on the story again, please have patience and I hope you're looking forward to the next chapter.

Oh yeah, I noticed a lot typos in my chapters so I checked them again, I hope I fixed everything now. I should've checked it before publishing o.o"  
>If you notice grammar mistakes please let me know, as I said; English isn't my first language so it's impossible for me to find all of them myself. <p>

Thank you for reading!


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